A Prayer in Spring, Robert Frost
Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers to-day;
And give us not to think so far away
As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
All simply in the springing of the year.
Oh, give us pleasure in the orchard white,
Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;
And make us happy in the happy bees,
The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.
And make us happy in the darting bird
That suddenly above the bees is heard,
The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,
And off a blossom in mid air stands still.
For this is love and nothing else is love,
The which it is reserved for God above
To sanctify to what far ends He will,
But which it only needs that we fulfill
I swear, I just NEEDED to hear this.
I went on another drive tonight after grief share and I think I learned some more about this whole “doubting God” thing. I’ve never felt lonelier in my life than I do now. It’s been SO lonely that I can’t even feel God right now…and I haven’t in months. I know He’s probably there, and later down the road I’ll think back on this and see His hands all over my life, and His presence will be obvious. But I’m not there yet. I feel utterly alone…even with tons of people around me. So how could I NOT doubt if He’s there and real!? Geez, if I question all my close girlfriends, some of whom are HERE, right in front of me; and Debbie and I talk CONSTANTLY, so if I still have issues with them and feeling alone despite their obvious presence, how could I not question a God who is invisible, and not tangible?
This poem helps me though. It reminds me that today there ARE good things, and this loneliness is simply a part of this season of grief (thank God for the spring time!). My emotions may tell me otherwise, especially at night, but the fact of the matter is that I’m blessed. AND that I’m not called to live for tomorrow, I’m called to live for today…to focus on today’s tasks, and to relish the present blessings. Yes, focusing on today is sometimes the absolute hardest thing to do, but once these trials and pains pass, I will more fully appreciate the next season of life…and I’ll be fully existing in THOSE moments. – I hate that we, as humans, are always striving. We’re always looking across the fence at the greener grass (I’m hearing country tunes in my head right now…). It’s a shame. It cheapens life. Even when life is miserable, or in my case, looking very bright but I can still see the dark tunnel behind me, EVEN THEN we should rejoice in life itself. Wow, that sounds SO pep squad-ish (3 months ago I would’ve hit me). But it’s true.
As our grief share leader told us several months ago – Grief is simply the result of loving deeply. Mmmmm, let that one soak in. It’s very Garth Brooks’ “The Dance”…life isn’t worth living if there’s not unguarded, incandescent joy…but along with it comes the immense, paralyzing anguish of life’s pains when something stifles that happiness. But, it’s still worth the dance.
So, I suppose for today…
Lesson #8 (lol, wow, there’s been sooooo many more than that) – Grief-loneliness is the temporary result of sharing your heart…it is a loneliness that WILL fade as more immaculate joy returns.
~Jacquie
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Clarifying More Than What I Thought....
WOW! I’m on a roll with this thing! Like 3 days in a row!
So, the last few days have been interesting, intersting in a way I never really expected.
Since I was a child I’ve always believed in God. I never really understood church, or what I was learning in Sunday School (I remember feeling so stupid compared to other teenage Christians later on). Anyways, I just don’t think most of it really sank in for some reason. But I still always connected with God…I’ve just always been a pretty spiritual person I suppose.
But over the past week or so I’ve found myself very seriously questioning God. Not just what He’s doing/done, or asking “why”, but questioning His existence. It’s almost shocking to me in a way. I’ve gone through periods where I’ve been skeptical, but it took very little time before I poo-poo’d the idea due to the spiritual experiences I’ve had throughout my life. But this time is different. It’s not shaking off as easily.
And what’s weirder is that I’m not terrified. And even weirder, I don’t fall apart when I think about there not being a heaven (aka. Is Daddy just gone?)…of all the times in my life to want to believe in an afterlife, now would be it…right?
I think this is due to…
1.) I haven’t been to church since I left San Diego (5 ½ months ago), other than 1 short service, and 1 Sunday School lesson I taught.
2.) I’ll bet I haven’t REGULARLY read the Bible in close to 2 years (since before my dad got sick) – sure I’ve read it (after all I HAVE been at a seminary since then, lol), gotten plenty out of it, etc., but it hasn’t been a routine part of life or anything.
3.) I’ve been exercising the logical side of my brain more and naturally the “what ifs” and need for evidence are going to supersede everything else, at least for the time being.
And 4.) *this is the big one* Grief changes things. Period. My Dad was always an imperfect, living Jesus for me…he loved me unconditionally, protected me, disciplined me, comforted me, guided me, showed me what true Grace is about, and was a confidant. God is, of course, all these things and more. So what happens when you lose the earthly version of that??
The ripple effect caused by death is profound. Since my dad died, there have been many days I’ve felt as if I’m walking around in the depressing part of “It’s a Wonderful Life” (less so now, but in the 1st couple of months this was frequent). Especially the confusing, bleak scene where James Stewart is wondering up and down the street with a terrified look on his face, and he doesn’t recognize anything around him, can’t find his family, everyone’s lives are falling apart, etc. I hear so many wonderful stories about my dad…and stories about how sad people are that he’s gone, that their worlds have forever changed in a drastic way. A single death can affect hundreds, even thousands (and judging by the 600ish at the memorial service I’d say my Dad touched a few people!). Think about it, if we consider the ‘ole 6 degrees of separation, then how many people ARE affected by a single person, rather directly or indirectly?? It’s a lot.
As my father’s youngest, I saw my Dad as my hero…he could do plenty wrong, but no matter what, he was the most important man in my life. He played all those roles I mentioned above (protector, etc.), and with him gone, I’ve had to learn to survive on my own. I’ve had to “shut up and be tough” as we say in my family…I am my protector, I have to make my own decisions without that much-needed sounding board, and I have to receive the affirmation my father gave me from other places (or learn to do without). It’s hardened me to some degree. And now I’m having a hard time separating those lost attributes of my father, with those that the Lord continually provides.
In a way, my idea of God has died with my father. This doesn’t necessarily mean He is gone (no more than if I decided that the shared characteristics of my father and mother meant that she was gone), but it does mean that I have to rebuild my picture of God, and mostly, learn how to be the tough, strong, woman I am and have had to become, and STILL be able to rely on God.
I don’t know the answer to this. I don’t know how long it will take me before I come to some conclusion about all this…it may take awhile. I do know that my faith is being tested in a big way, so we’ll see how it goes.
But from my logical brain to yours, something that constantly comes to mind regarding the existence of God – it is no more, or less, logical to believe in a higher being who created all the patterns in nature and everything else in the universe, than it is to believe that everything is simply happenchance and in totally chaos. Take that for what it is…either way, living with God in your life, or not, is going to come with many ups and downs, pros and cons.
In my very first post I discussed the concept of clarity. The whole purpose of this blog (if anyone can truly say that there’s a purpose for a blog outside of venting and verbalizing internalizations) is to bring better understanding to the process of grief, to make it less ambiguous (and thus easier for us all to know how to interact with and love a grieving person…and maybe even to know what to expect- answer being, have no expectations!).
I see this whole process as a time to not only understand what grieving is like and how it occurs, but it’s a time for deeper understanding of myself, my foundational beliefs, and finding out “what I’m made of”. In other words, it’s about clarifying who I am (in general, and without a father).
It’s gonna be a long process. (Does it ever really end though is the question??)
So, the last few days have been interesting, intersting in a way I never really expected.
Since I was a child I’ve always believed in God. I never really understood church, or what I was learning in Sunday School (I remember feeling so stupid compared to other teenage Christians later on). Anyways, I just don’t think most of it really sank in for some reason. But I still always connected with God…I’ve just always been a pretty spiritual person I suppose.
But over the past week or so I’ve found myself very seriously questioning God. Not just what He’s doing/done, or asking “why”, but questioning His existence. It’s almost shocking to me in a way. I’ve gone through periods where I’ve been skeptical, but it took very little time before I poo-poo’d the idea due to the spiritual experiences I’ve had throughout my life. But this time is different. It’s not shaking off as easily.
And what’s weirder is that I’m not terrified. And even weirder, I don’t fall apart when I think about there not being a heaven (aka. Is Daddy just gone?)…of all the times in my life to want to believe in an afterlife, now would be it…right?
I think this is due to…
1.) I haven’t been to church since I left San Diego (5 ½ months ago), other than 1 short service, and 1 Sunday School lesson I taught.
2.) I’ll bet I haven’t REGULARLY read the Bible in close to 2 years (since before my dad got sick) – sure I’ve read it (after all I HAVE been at a seminary since then, lol), gotten plenty out of it, etc., but it hasn’t been a routine part of life or anything.
3.) I’ve been exercising the logical side of my brain more and naturally the “what ifs” and need for evidence are going to supersede everything else, at least for the time being.
And 4.) *this is the big one* Grief changes things. Period. My Dad was always an imperfect, living Jesus for me…he loved me unconditionally, protected me, disciplined me, comforted me, guided me, showed me what true Grace is about, and was a confidant. God is, of course, all these things and more. So what happens when you lose the earthly version of that??
The ripple effect caused by death is profound. Since my dad died, there have been many days I’ve felt as if I’m walking around in the depressing part of “It’s a Wonderful Life” (less so now, but in the 1st couple of months this was frequent). Especially the confusing, bleak scene where James Stewart is wondering up and down the street with a terrified look on his face, and he doesn’t recognize anything around him, can’t find his family, everyone’s lives are falling apart, etc. I hear so many wonderful stories about my dad…and stories about how sad people are that he’s gone, that their worlds have forever changed in a drastic way. A single death can affect hundreds, even thousands (and judging by the 600ish at the memorial service I’d say my Dad touched a few people!). Think about it, if we consider the ‘ole 6 degrees of separation, then how many people ARE affected by a single person, rather directly or indirectly?? It’s a lot.
As my father’s youngest, I saw my Dad as my hero…he could do plenty wrong, but no matter what, he was the most important man in my life. He played all those roles I mentioned above (protector, etc.), and with him gone, I’ve had to learn to survive on my own. I’ve had to “shut up and be tough” as we say in my family…I am my protector, I have to make my own decisions without that much-needed sounding board, and I have to receive the affirmation my father gave me from other places (or learn to do without). It’s hardened me to some degree. And now I’m having a hard time separating those lost attributes of my father, with those that the Lord continually provides.
In a way, my idea of God has died with my father. This doesn’t necessarily mean He is gone (no more than if I decided that the shared characteristics of my father and mother meant that she was gone), but it does mean that I have to rebuild my picture of God, and mostly, learn how to be the tough, strong, woman I am and have had to become, and STILL be able to rely on God.
I don’t know the answer to this. I don’t know how long it will take me before I come to some conclusion about all this…it may take awhile. I do know that my faith is being tested in a big way, so we’ll see how it goes.
But from my logical brain to yours, something that constantly comes to mind regarding the existence of God – it is no more, or less, logical to believe in a higher being who created all the patterns in nature and everything else in the universe, than it is to believe that everything is simply happenchance and in totally chaos. Take that for what it is…either way, living with God in your life, or not, is going to come with many ups and downs, pros and cons.
In my very first post I discussed the concept of clarity. The whole purpose of this blog (if anyone can truly say that there’s a purpose for a blog outside of venting and verbalizing internalizations) is to bring better understanding to the process of grief, to make it less ambiguous (and thus easier for us all to know how to interact with and love a grieving person…and maybe even to know what to expect- answer being, have no expectations!).
I see this whole process as a time to not only understand what grieving is like and how it occurs, but it’s a time for deeper understanding of myself, my foundational beliefs, and finding out “what I’m made of”. In other words, it’s about clarifying who I am (in general, and without a father).
It’s gonna be a long process. (Does it ever really end though is the question??)
Sunday, November 15, 2009
A Few Who Aren't Having a Good Day...
OH! I almost forgot:
Please keep my cousin, Blythe, and her 2 boys in your prayers as her husband was killed in a diving accident off the Florida coast on Friday.
As well, please pray for the Jones family in Johnson City whom I grew up going to church with. Jim Jones passed away this morning after fighting lung cancer...he has 3 daughters, 1 son, and a precious wife. I have identified on many levels with his girls and my heart aches for them.
Thank you!
Jac
Please keep my cousin, Blythe, and her 2 boys in your prayers as her husband was killed in a diving accident off the Florida coast on Friday.
As well, please pray for the Jones family in Johnson City whom I grew up going to church with. Jim Jones passed away this morning after fighting lung cancer...he has 3 daughters, 1 son, and a precious wife. I have identified on many levels with his girls and my heart aches for them.
Thank you!
Jac
Oh For the Love of Good Days!
:)
Yes, it's been a good day (well, after spending 2 hours at the vet with my dog this morning...but nothing was wrong with him, so I guess that's a good day!).
One of the things we discussed in a Griefshare meeting awhile back was the importance of telling those around you when you have good days. We have a tendency to focus on the bad ones...we can become consumed by them, and blinded to the blessings we experience everyday, no matter how horrible life may be.
*NEWSFLASH* I'm watching "Holiday Inn" with Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire (and decorating my house for Christmas and drinking wine!), and as I was typing the above, Fred Astaire started singing, "I've Got Plenty to be Thankful For." Nice.
Anyways, reverting back to the Lessons being learned and to share with ya'll, today's lesson....
Lesson #7 (?): Be thankful for the good days, and share them with those who have stood by you through the bad ones.
I love you all!!
~Jac
Yes, it's been a good day (well, after spending 2 hours at the vet with my dog this morning...but nothing was wrong with him, so I guess that's a good day!).
One of the things we discussed in a Griefshare meeting awhile back was the importance of telling those around you when you have good days. We have a tendency to focus on the bad ones...we can become consumed by them, and blinded to the blessings we experience everyday, no matter how horrible life may be.
*NEWSFLASH* I'm watching "Holiday Inn" with Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire (and decorating my house for Christmas and drinking wine!), and as I was typing the above, Fred Astaire started singing, "I've Got Plenty to be Thankful For." Nice.
Anyways, reverting back to the Lessons being learned and to share with ya'll, today's lesson....
Lesson #7 (?): Be thankful for the good days, and share them with those who have stood by you through the bad ones.
I love you all!!
~Jac
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Please read previous post first!
OK technical difficulties! But I think I figured it out!
__________
Things have been so weird lately. Things are getting better - I’m more social, I want to do a lot of stuff, etc. But it’s like I’ll be fine one second and then the next it feels like I have no hope and I hate life right now, and feel depressed about where I am in life. I know this is just a storm I have to walk through….but when does it end?? When do I wake up one day and go, “wow, I haven’t felt like shit in a really long time! And my life is really GOOD, no, GREAT!” I’m ready for that.
I long for life to be like it was in Maryland or the summer Debs and I lived in Corpus…lots of good friends, good food, good drinks, and get togethers ALL the time. Life seemed normal then, and happy.
Now….it feels like I might feel that way again one day, but then I get home (by myself, in my dad’s old room) and suddenly I start to doubt it. And I just HATE that I’m going to be here another 6-8 months! I wish I could rent out the house (like NOW so it’s paid for) and go rent a fun little apartment in Austin and meet fun people and just hang out all the time!
I miss the city. That makes being here really hard too. I just love the buzz of city life…how things are always changing and you never know who you’re going to meet, or what you’ll be doing next weekend (but you know it’ll be fun)…the options are endless. There’s never boredom. Or small town minded people. Or people who know your dead father. Or being surrounded by nothing but moms and dads and babies…people you love but feel like you have nothing in common with anymore. I love Diana and Emily for instance, but I get tired of hearing all about their kids eating habits, and what cute things they said today….or how great their husbands are (or aren’t). I WANT to hear about their lives and share in that with them, I love them like sisters…but I don’t relate to that I guess. I probably shouldn’t feel that way, but I do…I’m just not in the same spot as them. I feel like that episode of Sex & the City when Carrie goes to the baby shower and her friend basically tells her she’s not doing anything important with her life because she’s not married with kids. And Carrie corrects her, and the whole show is about how it’s OK to not live that traditional life…how you can be HAPPY without kids and a mortgage and a husband. That it’s ok to be fun and single and FREE. I feel like I have no friends here that get that. They love me and care about me…and they ask how I’m doing when I see them (which isn’t often enough), but…I don’t know…not only am I the single one, but I’m also the one without a father…the one who’s grieving and nobody else really knows what to say or do. They're such wonderful friends...but no matter how great a friend someone is, this is still a lonely process...
Debbie gets it…but she’s also living the single life in DC. And I love hearing her stories about the things she and her friends are going out and doing, she cracks me up with them actually. But it’s also hard. I want that too…I want the fun single friends and Christian friends who aren’t afraid to get tipsy, and flirt with random cute men, and go out every night of the week if I feel like it! I’m ready to be a part of that too.
I just need POSITIVE, EXCITING things in my life. Yes, I know I need to take it slow still and have plenty of time to reflect and process, etc, but I need stuff to get my endorphins going too!
I may have already written about this, but I have this really attractive GRE tutor right now… handsome, patient, smart, funny, into fun stuff/hobbies, and talented (professional opera singer!), and he comes to mind way too often, lol. And while it’s certainly due to all the above, I think it’s also because he feels like the first exciting thing in my life in a long time…the first time I felt a little giddy after a session with him it was like someone had injected coke up my arm! I just haven’t felt like that in forever and I CRAVE it. I need more Tim’s in my life. It’s SO ridiculous because there’s absolutely nothing there and he’s made every effort to keep things purely professional between us, LOL, it’s kind of funny actually and I’m starting to get a kick out of juuuust seeing what he’ll say or if he’ll respond to certain statements or questions (and he doesn’t…he has the will power of a brick wall, haha). ANYWAYS, I get super ridiculous, juvenile enjoyment out of something so insignificant. And that makes me realize how much I’m yearning for more in my life right now. I don't think it's really about him as it is what he represents...normalcy...excitement...fun...something intriguing....all that.
And I know I should be thinking about the exciting things God is going to do in the coming months, and how blessed I am today despite everything, and blah blah blah…but I need something NOW. My life has been absolute shit for nearly 2 years and I just can’t take it much longer! That's not to say that there haven't been MANY blessings and wonderful times and relationships over the past 2 years...God has certainly provided wonderful things and people...but, it's been so overshadowed by Daddy's illness and death...life has been scary as hell, and exhausting. I just want to feel…ALIVE. And free. I’ve felt chained for 2 years…to what exactly, I don’t know…but it’s sucked.
I’m glad I’m getting to a place where I know good things are around the corner, that life IS moving forward from here. But…sometimes I feel like I’m swimming upstream trying to remember that because there’s still so much BLAH in life right now.
Also, I just finished putting up my Christmas tree right before deciding I needed to type this. I turned on the lights, and then sat down and just felt yucky. Part of me gets super excited about Christmas (as usual), but part of me also just wants to crawl under the covers and sleep for the next 2 months until it’s over. And I just wish I had someone here in the house with me that understood this. God love my roommate, but he just isn’t a good fit for me right now. I need a girl (or guy I suppose) who can become a close friend that I look forward to sitting on the couch drinking wine with when she gets home and just BSing…and someone who I can cry with…and go grocery shopping with…and laugh about completely stupid stuff with! She can even be a slob! But I need something like that….being here with Travis (who, bless his heart, just doesn’t get it (and I can't expect him to be my best friend or a therapist) and who I’m not comfortable talking to) and/or being alone, just isn’t working.
I miss my dad.
Three years ago when it was just us in the house for Christmas (because of his prostate cancer treatments going through the holidays so he couldn’t travel) I burned into my memory how it felt to be here with him. I remember that it was extremely hard to celebrate with only us, we’re both used to a dozen + people and constant noise, but it was ok…cuz we were together in it. We made our own little Christmas, and it was special because of that.
It sounds like there’s a chance this Christmas is going to be very low key on my mom’s side and everybody is going to be everywhere…so it may just be my mom, Fred, Derek, and I…even Taylor may not be here. I just don’t know what to think of that. Not only am I adjusting to not having my dad here, but now all our normal traditions may not be happening. It just feels so…I feel so displaced.
I just want him back.
I just want my life back.
I know I’ll get it back, God will put me where I need to be as I enter a new season of life, but how long do I have to wait?! When will I be ready for it!?
I’m already making plans for after the holidays to take a couple of dance classes, take violin lessons, take a Spanish class, and a musicianship class, maybe a photography class, hopefully get back into hiking and other outdoor activities, etc. – things that I find therapeutic! I’ve also joined a couple of meetup groups to meet new, single, fun friends in the Austin area, and started my own. I’ve bought tickets to just about every performing arts event possible. And I want to start volunteering my P-E certification for the clients at the pregnancy center. That’s enough to fill my schedule even without school or a job! (though I hope to get one of those!). But…it’s going to take patience to get there – there’s still a month and a half left before NYE. And I don’t know how much more of it I have left…it’s been a long damn time.
I want VEGAS again. I want to drink way too much with somebody I trust to get me back to my hotel room when needed (aka Debbie). To go dancing for HOURS with guys I’ll never have to see again, and to just escape from all this. But why is it that I want all that when I REALLY want to be emotionally healthy again (and Vegas style sure isn’t going to get me there!). Ugh…maybe it’s good I don’t have friends who like to go out…
I don’t know…I guess I’ve rambled enough. I’m just SO ready for change.
Lord help me wait through this…help me to walk through this with my integrity intact.
__________
Things have been so weird lately. Things are getting better - I’m more social, I want to do a lot of stuff, etc. But it’s like I’ll be fine one second and then the next it feels like I have no hope and I hate life right now, and feel depressed about where I am in life. I know this is just a storm I have to walk through….but when does it end?? When do I wake up one day and go, “wow, I haven’t felt like shit in a really long time! And my life is really GOOD, no, GREAT!” I’m ready for that.
I long for life to be like it was in Maryland or the summer Debs and I lived in Corpus…lots of good friends, good food, good drinks, and get togethers ALL the time. Life seemed normal then, and happy.
Now….it feels like I might feel that way again one day, but then I get home (by myself, in my dad’s old room) and suddenly I start to doubt it. And I just HATE that I’m going to be here another 6-8 months! I wish I could rent out the house (like NOW so it’s paid for) and go rent a fun little apartment in Austin and meet fun people and just hang out all the time!
I miss the city. That makes being here really hard too. I just love the buzz of city life…how things are always changing and you never know who you’re going to meet, or what you’ll be doing next weekend (but you know it’ll be fun)…the options are endless. There’s never boredom. Or small town minded people. Or people who know your dead father. Or being surrounded by nothing but moms and dads and babies…people you love but feel like you have nothing in common with anymore. I love Diana and Emily for instance, but I get tired of hearing all about their kids eating habits, and what cute things they said today….or how great their husbands are (or aren’t). I WANT to hear about their lives and share in that with them, I love them like sisters…but I don’t relate to that I guess. I probably shouldn’t feel that way, but I do…I’m just not in the same spot as them. I feel like that episode of Sex & the City when Carrie goes to the baby shower and her friend basically tells her she’s not doing anything important with her life because she’s not married with kids. And Carrie corrects her, and the whole show is about how it’s OK to not live that traditional life…how you can be HAPPY without kids and a mortgage and a husband. That it’s ok to be fun and single and FREE. I feel like I have no friends here that get that. They love me and care about me…and they ask how I’m doing when I see them (which isn’t often enough), but…I don’t know…not only am I the single one, but I’m also the one without a father…the one who’s grieving and nobody else really knows what to say or do. They're such wonderful friends...but no matter how great a friend someone is, this is still a lonely process...
Debbie gets it…but she’s also living the single life in DC. And I love hearing her stories about the things she and her friends are going out and doing, she cracks me up with them actually. But it’s also hard. I want that too…I want the fun single friends and Christian friends who aren’t afraid to get tipsy, and flirt with random cute men, and go out every night of the week if I feel like it! I’m ready to be a part of that too.
I just need POSITIVE, EXCITING things in my life. Yes, I know I need to take it slow still and have plenty of time to reflect and process, etc, but I need stuff to get my endorphins going too!
I may have already written about this, but I have this really attractive GRE tutor right now… handsome, patient, smart, funny, into fun stuff/hobbies, and talented (professional opera singer!), and he comes to mind way too often, lol. And while it’s certainly due to all the above, I think it’s also because he feels like the first exciting thing in my life in a long time…the first time I felt a little giddy after a session with him it was like someone had injected coke up my arm! I just haven’t felt like that in forever and I CRAVE it. I need more Tim’s in my life. It’s SO ridiculous because there’s absolutely nothing there and he’s made every effort to keep things purely professional between us, LOL, it’s kind of funny actually and I’m starting to get a kick out of juuuust seeing what he’ll say or if he’ll respond to certain statements or questions (and he doesn’t…he has the will power of a brick wall, haha). ANYWAYS, I get super ridiculous, juvenile enjoyment out of something so insignificant. And that makes me realize how much I’m yearning for more in my life right now. I don't think it's really about him as it is what he represents...normalcy...excitement...fun...something intriguing....all that.
And I know I should be thinking about the exciting things God is going to do in the coming months, and how blessed I am today despite everything, and blah blah blah…but I need something NOW. My life has been absolute shit for nearly 2 years and I just can’t take it much longer! That's not to say that there haven't been MANY blessings and wonderful times and relationships over the past 2 years...God has certainly provided wonderful things and people...but, it's been so overshadowed by Daddy's illness and death...life has been scary as hell, and exhausting. I just want to feel…ALIVE. And free. I’ve felt chained for 2 years…to what exactly, I don’t know…but it’s sucked.
I’m glad I’m getting to a place where I know good things are around the corner, that life IS moving forward from here. But…sometimes I feel like I’m swimming upstream trying to remember that because there’s still so much BLAH in life right now.
Also, I just finished putting up my Christmas tree right before deciding I needed to type this. I turned on the lights, and then sat down and just felt yucky. Part of me gets super excited about Christmas (as usual), but part of me also just wants to crawl under the covers and sleep for the next 2 months until it’s over. And I just wish I had someone here in the house with me that understood this. God love my roommate, but he just isn’t a good fit for me right now. I need a girl (or guy I suppose) who can become a close friend that I look forward to sitting on the couch drinking wine with when she gets home and just BSing…and someone who I can cry with…and go grocery shopping with…and laugh about completely stupid stuff with! She can even be a slob! But I need something like that….being here with Travis (who, bless his heart, just doesn’t get it (and I can't expect him to be my best friend or a therapist) and who I’m not comfortable talking to) and/or being alone, just isn’t working.
I miss my dad.
Three years ago when it was just us in the house for Christmas (because of his prostate cancer treatments going through the holidays so he couldn’t travel) I burned into my memory how it felt to be here with him. I remember that it was extremely hard to celebrate with only us, we’re both used to a dozen + people and constant noise, but it was ok…cuz we were together in it. We made our own little Christmas, and it was special because of that.
It sounds like there’s a chance this Christmas is going to be very low key on my mom’s side and everybody is going to be everywhere…so it may just be my mom, Fred, Derek, and I…even Taylor may not be here. I just don’t know what to think of that. Not only am I adjusting to not having my dad here, but now all our normal traditions may not be happening. It just feels so…I feel so displaced.
I just want him back.
I just want my life back.
I know I’ll get it back, God will put me where I need to be as I enter a new season of life, but how long do I have to wait?! When will I be ready for it!?
I’m already making plans for after the holidays to take a couple of dance classes, take violin lessons, take a Spanish class, and a musicianship class, maybe a photography class, hopefully get back into hiking and other outdoor activities, etc. – things that I find therapeutic! I’ve also joined a couple of meetup groups to meet new, single, fun friends in the Austin area, and started my own. I’ve bought tickets to just about every performing arts event possible. And I want to start volunteering my P-E certification for the clients at the pregnancy center. That’s enough to fill my schedule even without school or a job! (though I hope to get one of those!). But…it’s going to take patience to get there – there’s still a month and a half left before NYE. And I don’t know how much more of it I have left…it’s been a long damn time.
I want VEGAS again. I want to drink way too much with somebody I trust to get me back to my hotel room when needed (aka Debbie). To go dancing for HOURS with guys I’ll never have to see again, and to just escape from all this. But why is it that I want all that when I REALLY want to be emotionally healthy again (and Vegas style sure isn’t going to get me there!). Ugh…maybe it’s good I don’t have friends who like to go out…
I don’t know…I guess I’ve rambled enough. I’m just SO ready for change.
Lord help me wait through this…help me to walk through this with my integrity intact.
Journaling isn't for wusses...
So it's been awhile since I wrote anything on here...life has been busy, busy...and when it hasn't been busy, well, it's still somehow been busy? Plus I forgot about this blog, haha...thank you Summer for reminding me about this! (someone DOES read it!)
I have no clever words, food for thought, or advice to pass along to my dear therapy friends. But I do have some Raw-Jacquie...and most of you know what that looks like! (don't run). I just spent awhile journaling (something I haven't done near enough lately), and I feel compelled to share my heart with you.
Life has been very different over the past month than it was the month prior. Matter of fact, every week I feel significantly different, for better or worse. The past few weeks have been BETTER, much better...my social side is coming back out, I have energy again, I've been working out again (time to get this sick-Daddy weight OOOOOOFFFF), I've been exercising my brain, I'm sleeping more normally, and I just feel more peaceful.
But I've also had to adjust to this new-found normalcy because the bad days still linger...well, they're more like bad "hours" now, but either way it feels like running face first into a brick wall. I started running from these bad times and times of "dealing" because I feared that the new joy in my life would go away and I'd go back to where I've been. But fortunately, I've worked past that...and here we are.
The journal entry below isn't spectacular. It isn't muy importante. But it is real. It is what goes through my head every single day in this stage of grief/life. So I hope it teaches you something...or just shows you how badly I need prayer! LOL
(and to anyone mentioned in it, please know that this is all ME, not you or anything wrong on your part! I considered taking some of this out, but that would defeat the purpose of being REAL. So to Diana, Emily, Debbie, and God-forbid my tutor Tim should he end up reading this somehow, LOL...that'd actually be really funny, but I don't think he's much of an internet/blog/facebook addict so it should be fine - ANYWAYS, to all of you (Uh, Em, and Debs) I love you, and I thank you for being such beautiful sisters).
Oh, and to my sister-sister, I heart you and love you and thank you for coming with me to 5 gazillion shows and being the best date EVER :)
__________
I have no clever words, food for thought, or advice to pass along to my dear therapy friends. But I do have some Raw-Jacquie...and most of you know what that looks like! (don't run). I just spent awhile journaling (something I haven't done near enough lately), and I feel compelled to share my heart with you.
Life has been very different over the past month than it was the month prior. Matter of fact, every week I feel significantly different, for better or worse. The past few weeks have been BETTER, much better...my social side is coming back out, I have energy again, I've been working out again (time to get this sick-Daddy weight OOOOOOFFFF), I've been exercising my brain, I'm sleeping more normally, and I just feel more peaceful.
But I've also had to adjust to this new-found normalcy because the bad days still linger...well, they're more like bad "hours" now, but either way it feels like running face first into a brick wall. I started running from these bad times and times of "dealing" because I feared that the new joy in my life would go away and I'd go back to where I've been. But fortunately, I've worked past that...and here we are.
The journal entry below isn't spectacular. It isn't muy importante. But it is real. It is what goes through my head every single day in this stage of grief/life. So I hope it teaches you something...or just shows you how badly I need prayer! LOL
(and to anyone mentioned in it, please know that this is all ME, not you or anything wrong on your part! I considered taking some of this out, but that would defeat the purpose of being REAL. So to Diana, Emily, Debbie, and God-forbid my tutor Tim should he end up reading this somehow, LOL...that'd actually be really funny, but I don't think he's much of an internet/blog/facebook addict so it should be fine - ANYWAYS, to all of you (Uh, Em, and Debs) I love you, and I thank you for being such beautiful sisters).
Oh, and to my sister-sister, I heart you and love you and thank you for coming with me to 5 gazillion shows and being the best date EVER :)
__________
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
