I Finally Understand Scrooge.

Well, it's Christmas Eve (day)and all I really want to do is sleep. I've been awake for several hours but I have no desire to get up...although I did seriously think about getting up to take down all my Christmas decor.

I should be studying for my GRE test which is on Saturday, and then heading to my mom's. But I just don't want to...on either accounts. I want to do well on Saturday. I also love my mom and stepdad and want to see them and enjoy time with them. But...I also want to pretend that Christmas isn't happening this year...that perhaps the past 6 months never happened.

~Jacquie

...And There's A Time to Join a Boxing Class.

I'm angry.

I know I've probably mentioned this before. But I am. I'm really, really angry. Yup, back at that stage again. Don't ask me with who, or about what...I couldn't really tell you. I just know I am. I just know I'd really like to hit someone. No really...sometimes we say that half heatedly, I'm not. I'd REALLY like to hit someone. I've felt this way all weekend and I'm not sure what brought it on. (maybe my 2 days in NYC was too much, lol)

I'm not really sure what to do with this. And I know a lot of it is directed at God...a God that I'm not sure I believe in, rather, I'm not sure I WANT to believe in right now. I mean, what's the point? Seriously...what's the point? I don't trust Him...I don't like Him....maybe I'd like to hit God. Actually, I'd just rather ignore Him right now, and hit a few people I know - that would feel much better.

But would it?

Maybe I'm mad at my dad. A couple of people have asked me this, and I don't know how to answer it. I feel like deep down somewhere inside I AM mad at him, god knows why, but I am....but it makes NO sense whatsoever. So what the hell am I supposed to do with that?? Why should I feel any anger towards the most important man in my life who had absolutely no control over what happened to him (us)and who fought hard to the very end??? I don't understand it. I'd rather be mad at god...if he's really there. I've basically told God that if He REALLY is there, if He's REALLY been here with me through all this bull shit, then He needs to show me. I need a damn burning bush in my yard. Otherwise...no. I can't trust that. And I'm mad. And I want to be mad at him, and keep him several arms lengths away.

And I want life to feel NORMAL again. Whatever that means. Happy, maybe? ...I hear Zoloft works wonders; ooooh the delights of a nation riddled with substance abuse and over-use of pharmaceuticals...

~Jacquie

The Love Game.

So here's a question - when is a grieving person ready to date again? This question is especially complex when it's a 20-something daughter who just lost her father....

My dad has always been my "base camp", and my security and stability. I've had no qualms with going out and exploring the world, making mistakes, and not having other men in my life (aka. constant boyfriend, etc.) because I always had my father. Now that he is gone, so is my "constant"...and my stability.

Likewise, I currently feel like an astronaut floating around in space. It's like I was once attached to a space station, but that rope was cut. I have every opportunity I could want in front of me right now. The options are endless. Which is exciting...and very scary. Without my rope attached to something/someone I'm simply floating around. I recently described this to my therapist and she then asked, "well, what would you like to attach your rope to?" We always worded this as if the ceiling above me (my dad) has been ripped away, and now I need a new "box" to put around me...or I need to tie my rope up to something else. So what new box do I want around me, or where do I want to attach my rope?

What scared me is that my first reaction to that question was "marriage". But there's 2 different sides to that...

1) It could potentially very bad and very dangerous. Am I feeling this way simply because marriage can provide some stability, and put a "box" around me/give me a place to attach that rope?? And how does this play into the affirmation I no longer recieve from my father? What all am I seeking after from this??

2) This could be a potentially wonderful thing. In the past I've shied away from marriage simply because I didn't want to answer to anyone else. Yeeeaaa, I know, how terrible does that sound! I've just always been extremely independent and I've never really NEEDED a man in my life to make me happy or to feel confident, etc (thus why I've been single more than in a relationship...plus the whole moving around a lot thing, but that's another conversation, lol). On top of that, I've always been very close to my dad so he's always been the one I've answered to, bounced ideas off of, given me the confidence I needed, etc....why WOULD I want to answer to another person/have to consider someone else in my decisions? But now that has changed. I no longer have this attachment to my dad, and I feel more open to having a man in my life who I will consider in my decisions, lean on, and "answer to". I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing....I think this might be a very good thing actually.

But how do I know when I'm ready to be in a relationship again? How do I know when I'm seeking this because I'm finally ready to committ to that person, and not because I'm trying to fill the void my father left?

The only thing I know for sure at this point is that whatever happens will be happening veeeeeery sloooooooow!

Please feel free to share your thoughts....and any cute, young friends you may have ;)