...And There's A Time to Join a Boxing Class.

I'm angry.

I know I've probably mentioned this before. But I am. I'm really, really angry. Yup, back at that stage again. Don't ask me with who, or about what...I couldn't really tell you. I just know I am. I just know I'd really like to hit someone. No really...sometimes we say that half heatedly, I'm not. I'd REALLY like to hit someone. I've felt this way all weekend and I'm not sure what brought it on. (maybe my 2 days in NYC was too much, lol)

I'm not really sure what to do with this. And I know a lot of it is directed at God...a God that I'm not sure I believe in, rather, I'm not sure I WANT to believe in right now. I mean, what's the point? Seriously...what's the point? I don't trust Him...I don't like Him....maybe I'd like to hit God. Actually, I'd just rather ignore Him right now, and hit a few people I know - that would feel much better.

But would it?

Maybe I'm mad at my dad. A couple of people have asked me this, and I don't know how to answer it. I feel like deep down somewhere inside I AM mad at him, god knows why, but I am....but it makes NO sense whatsoever. So what the hell am I supposed to do with that?? Why should I feel any anger towards the most important man in my life who had absolutely no control over what happened to him (us)and who fought hard to the very end??? I don't understand it. I'd rather be mad at god...if he's really there. I've basically told God that if He REALLY is there, if He's REALLY been here with me through all this bull shit, then He needs to show me. I need a damn burning bush in my yard. Otherwise...no. I can't trust that. And I'm mad. And I want to be mad at him, and keep him several arms lengths away.

And I want life to feel NORMAL again. Whatever that means. Happy, maybe? ...I hear Zoloft works wonders; ooooh the delights of a nation riddled with substance abuse and over-use of pharmaceuticals...

~Jacquie