Following Florida....

Over the past week I've had a million different thoughts and emotions so it's been far too intimidating to sit down and try to type it out...sort of defeats the purpose huh?

Something for all to know about this yucky thing we call the grief process - it's confusing as hell, takes a long time, & it's a terrible idea to have any expectations.

My vacation last week was....interesting. It was relaxing, peaceful, and fun...but it was also depressing & frustrating. I had sort of counted on this vacation to get away from my present life stressors, like anyone would, but grief doesn't just stay at home or in a little box we put it in (at least not for forever).

I had one of my "bad days" while in Florida. These days, a "bad day" doesn't consist of PMS type moodiness, and a stubbed toe. It feels more like the world is coming to an end, my life is in pieces, and I can't physically get out of the bed. Usually I deal with these yucky days by being a house hermit, crying as needed, watching trash TV, and eating a lot of sugar. Not really the healthiest way to deal, but it allows me the freedom to not be happy, and to not be strong....to not have to FIGHT anymore...something I've been doing for nearly 2 years. Then, a day or two later, I suck it up & get back to life as "normal". But this isn't how a bad day works when you're on vacation.

Vacations aren't supposed to have bad days!!! Vacays are supposed to get you physically and emotionally away from everyday life, & give you a false sense of happiness through a delightful 3-7 days away. So when those nasty bad days follow you on a vacation it sorta feels like you're being robbed by your best friend. All those bright expectations get drowned in the clear blue water you stare blankly at from your hotel terrace while numbly eating your room service meal.

To all my therapist friends, remember this. Remember to tell your grieving clients that bad days come even when you REALLY don't want them...no matter how hard you try to keep them away...so stop fighting it. Along those same lines, let your clients know that they are ALLOWED to grieve, be sad, pissed off, cry at everything, and want to hit something. And they aren't just allowed to do this on your terms, or their family & friends terms, but on THEIR terms.

Over the past few months I've had a number of people make it very clear to me that I was not allowed to grieve around them, or if I was, it was only for a select amount of time & then I needed to buck up & smile pretty. They treat grief like the H1N1 virus - god forbid they should be touched or affected by such a nasty awful thing! And I say, screw them. I don't care if you don't like the depressing look on my face, just like you apparently don't care enough about me to get past your own discomfort with death and pain.

Soooooooo many people just don't see it. They just don't get it. And this does nothing but place more stress and pressure on those who are really hurting. If you know someone who is experiencing a loss (whether that be from death, divorce, abandonment, a relationship gone sour, whatever), don't put expectations on them!! Yes, we must all keep marching on. Yes, we must get up and eat something everyday so as to not starve to death. And yes, we must continue with our daily responsibilities. But the expectations stop there. And for some, on some bad days, you can't even expect that. And it's OK. It's OK to be defined as "sad" for a majority of the 6 months to a year (or however long) of your life after losing someone....and it's ok if I don't smile big and get all bubbly when I see you...or if I say "no thanks" to going out.

So, Lesson #4: No expectations. Zilch. It's not your issue to control.

In addition to dealing with the pressures of expectations from myself, and from others, I've experienced a lot of "wandering" recently.

It's amazing how ONE person can become your rock. And life without that rock is shaken...scary. Since my dad died (which is a term that still hasn't totally sunk in) I've felt really lost. REALLY lost. It feels like the time when I was like 4 years old at daycare & these mean kids took my "woobie" (blanky) and started passing it back & forth so I couldn't get it and then they threw it up into the ceiling fan. That was a baaaaaad day. Yuck , I STILL remember that 22 years later!! That woobie was everything to me when I was little...and then these bullies snatched it from my little hands and I couldn't hold it anymore (note as well that my parents divorced when I was 4...I REALLY needed that silly woobie).

Losing my dad also feels a lot like losing my faith. I haven't lost my faith, but if I did, it'd feel a lot like this. My sounding board, my protector, my constant, my foundation since birth has been ripped away. It leaves me feeling vulnerable, uncertain, and alone. Very. Very. Alone. ...I can only imagine what this is like for those who have lost a spouse. It's tramatic, scary, and lonely.

All this leaves me feeling very lost. Couple that with the fact that I haven't read the Bible in months (that's a whole other issue) & it's a recipe for disaster. Have you seen that movie Into the Wild?? Sometimes I feel like that kid....though I don't know where I'd run away to in order to "find myself". Actually, I do...Italy. I'd quickly change movies and be living the life of Diane Lane in Under the Tuscan Sun. mmmmmm, that sounds nice. But even she, after a sudden divorce, feels sad & alone while surrounded by a beautiful Italian Villa, vineyard, wine, handsome Italian men, and funny neighbors. She eventually finds herself & her place in her new life, but it takes awhile...and it's not quite the picture she had imagined...and she still had to learn to maintain a 5 gazillion year old house.

I don't care if my life isn't what I thought it'd be...but I'd like to have SOME direction....some...constant.

As a Christian, this constant should be the Lord. And He is. But there's still a HUGE difference between the Lord - our creator & Beloved whom we trust in, yet can't see or physical feel, and the constant provided by the loved ones in our lives. It's just not the same. Both are equally important to us while on this planet...the Lord did not create us to be alone afterall. And when a relationship that you've trusted in, needed, and leaned on for your entire life suddenly ends...it feels nothing but lonely....like walking on a tightrope without the big net below you.

I know I'll push through this. I know that the Lord WILL provide the things, and people, and STRENGTH I need to make it through this trial and loss.

And I might have to start praying that He provides it through a romantic italian villa, a good bottle of wine, a sexy man, and a best friend I can see the world with (well, He already gave me that one). :)

So, Lesson #5: Grief = Loneliness (so call up those who have experienced a loss FREQUENTLY...it doesn't make the pain disappear, but the support means a lot)

~Jac

P.S. I have a great referral for a hotel in Ft. Lauderdale if you need one ;)

Allow me to Explain....

So I've been really opposed to this whole blogging thing - other than the fun, interesting blogs set-up by several family and friends which chronicle their various adventures, watching the kids grow up, providing tongue-and-cheek advise on practicial topics (much like these beloved authors - http://www.etiquettegrrls.com/pages/home.html), or showing/demonstrating a fascinating hobby & providing how-to advice to us lesser apt.

But I'm not here to do any of that. Matter of fact, I'm not totally sure why I feel compelled to share my thoughts with the world. This may wind up being the internet's worse-blog-ever (save those crazy "ana" bloggers who spread the process of how to slowly kill yourself & zap ALL joy out of your life one non-meal at a time...how you don't eat sugar, carbs, meat, well let's be honest, anything, I just don't know...).

So let's just say the purpose of this blog is to share. General enough? Walking through this murking path through grief & growing up/living is proving to be a rollercoaster. There are many days when I'm getting tossed & turned, thrown upside-down, and side-ways & can no longer find my barrings (I just love that this is ALWAYS when strangers flash pictures of us & then post them for all the rollercoaster riders on-board to gawk at). But juuuuust before, & not long after, I can actually see where the ground is, and get some mental clarity.

Clarity brings with it lessons. And I happen to think that life is about lessons.

Lesson #1: LIFE = LESSONS.

Half the time I don't catch on, or I'm repeating lesson 101 for the 15th time, but nonetheless, the experience is there.

So this blog is about that clarity. I can't promise it'll always make sense (ironically), or it'll always be worth your 5 minutes of reading time, but it'll definitely be honest, and demonstrate an area of life we often shy away from.

______

So, you may be wondering about the blog name. Allow me to explain.

A number of years ago I was at some Church-related-something-or-something & the question was posed, "What shines more light - a brand-new, fully-intact vase, or a vase that has broken into small pieces and been put back together?" Answer - The broken vase because the light is able to shine through allllllll the cracks and provide a broader, & more beautiful light for those around it.

I think that's a beautiful picture of how our trials & pains, the things that break us into a thousand little pieces, can be used to make us shine more brightly & more beautifully for everyone else in our lives. God, being the glue, can build us up again...piece-by-piece.

So Lesson #2: We're broken...which might make our material worth $0.00, but 1 man's trash, is many men's treasure, especially to our God.

______

I'm currently sitting on the balcony of my oceanfront hotel room in Florida. (check it out - http://www.beachcomberresort.com/ and tomorrow thru Monday - http://www.atlantichotelfl.com/).

Since I've been here (I arrived yesterday evening) I've spent hours on the balcony just watching the waves crash & the clouds go by....SUCH a cliche, but cliches are cliche for a reason, right? Life has been so chaotic, so...ungrounded(?), that all I can seem to do is stare as my mind jumps from 1 thought to the next, from 1 prayer to the next.

But this is grief. It's confusing. It swirls around you & sucks you in to the point that your brain almost turns off. But...given time, the swirling subsides, & the thoughts start to bring that much-anticipated clarity.

I'll let you know when that happens....

Lesson #3 for today: You don't need drugs to make things swirl around in your brain.

God Bless.