I should have a reality show. Probably not one of those Jersey Shore, Millionaire Matchmaker, or The Hills type shows (my life doesn't have enough social drama, wild sex, or drunken mistakes to be considered entertaining like those giants). But should someone start a show that follows a young woman around while she spends too much money on clothes, furniture, fine dining, and expensive show tickets then I'd be ushered into instant fame. (maybe I just described Paris Hilton?? No, she's the steroids version of me & The Hills....)
Yes, I'm an impulsive shopper. This has been an issue for as long as I can remember. When my dad got sick 2 years ago my shopping habits became off-the-charts out-of-control. I didn't think it could possibly get worse...
But it did.
I'm an emotional shopper. It's truly an addiction. That's something I simply can't deny...but maybe that's good. After all, the 1st step to recovery is "admitting you have a problem." Geez. I hate that I actually fit the bill for that.
Many people (especially guys) don't understand how this happens. I mean, I'm an intelligent woman. I'm strong and independent. I'm confident in who I am. I've been living on my own for the past 8 years. And I know how to create an AWESOME budget on Excel...hell, I'll come up with my 20 year financial plan for you and not even my Edward Jones guy could argue with it's infallibility. I'm very good at that - I have some great common sense workin' for me!
And yet...I can't stick to that fabulous budget to save my life. For whatever reason, I need someone breathing down my neck everyday for me to keep my brain working properly.
And that's where the addiction takes hold. When I have a shitty day, I want to shop. It doesn't matter if it's online, at the outlet mall, at a flee market, or in a men's clothing store where there's NOTHING I need, I'll find a way to spend my money. Other times it doesn't even take a bad day...but if I latch onto an idea in my head, I get stuck on it (I can be a little stubborn). So when I decide I want/need something...I do everything I can to make sure it happens. And during "the hunt" for whatever I think I need, I feel GREAT. The world is right when I'm finding deals, and completely distracted by whatever ugly thing in my life is starring me in the face. It's bad....very, very bad.
Some people drink themselves into a stupor. Some people get high on any substance they can find. Some people go out and sleep with the first thing that smiles at them...or spend hours in front of the computer watching porn. I, however, shop. It's nothing short of a drug, and equally destructive.
We all have our vices. Every single person walking this planet has that ONE thing that they can't seem to beat...that is a constant struggle to control or maintain in their life (it may not be obvious, but there is always something). This is mine. So how do I beat it?? Alcoholics are told to never go into a bar. Drug addicts usually need to move into a new neighborhood and get new friends. So, what does a shopaholic do??? It's not like I can stop shopping...that's like telling a morbidly obese person they can no longer eat or go to the grocery store. Shopping, like eating, is a basic part of life (I say that b/c I even get tempted at places like H-E-B and Target!).
I'm not at all surprised that my shopping became exponentially worse since my dad died. My dad was the foundation of my little world...and in many ways I didn't even realize until now. But, even though it wasn't surprising, it's still been EXTREMELY disappointing...
Where I go from here, I'm not sure. I'm searching for a mentor to help with this, and I also want to start DA meetings (yes, I know...I'm serious). We'll see how it goes...if you pray, please pray for me. If you don't (not even I do right now), then just send lots of happy vibes my direction.
Oh, and typically the way addiction works is that you can't just stop a behavior because it's usually replaced by another. Well, I don't really wanna be an alcoholic or druggie, nor do I want to become a sex-phen (sp?).
Maybe I can get SUPER into working out....(I know, that sorta makes me laugh too).
~Jac
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The Strength to Break Chains...
So I'm taking a little hiadus (sp?) from the church, christianity, however you want to say it. I've been questioning my faith very seriously for the past couple of months and it's been...interesting.
Perhaps the most interesting thing is that I haven't felt a loss of self, honestly, on any level. It just is what it is.
And this got me thinking about the church and the things I've been taught over the years. Now, before I go into this, know that I have no anger, resentment, etc. toward the church, this all has become very unemotional for me actually. Anyways, I started wondering why I wasn't having an identity crisis. After all, we're taught in the church that we find our identity in Christ. We are who we are because of Christ, and we are nothing without Him and the church. But...I'm still me. I'm still standing. I'm still happy. My life isn't a sad bowl of shit now that I'm taking a step back. I'm perfectly fine. If anything, this experience is helping me see even more of who I truly am. And guess what, I like who that woman is...even without calling myself a "Proverbs 31" woman.
But back to the church. From the outside looking in, I must say that the church appears to do this in a way that instills fear in the members of the congregation. If a person's identity is completely wrapped up in one particular belief set, they would be too scared to leave it, question it, or shake things up on ANY level. And that makes me suspicious.
In order to worship Christ, why do we need to lose who we are?????? HE MADE US. If God created us to be a certain way, with certain strengths, then why in the world should we completely abandon that person and say we are nothing without Christ? Because the fact of the matter is that I'm a strong as nails, independent, intelligent, funny, creative, passionate woman with, or without, christian beliefs. Now, I've grown up in the church, I've worked for the church, and I've gone to seminary, so I KNOW the answers to these questions. But taking a step back and seeing this issue from the other side, those answers just don't all add up for me anymore. And it upsets me that I feel like I've been taught that I can't do anything on my own. Why is that admirable??? And why is it wrong to be strong? Why is it wrong to have the courage and tenacity to push through a trial without a crutch???
I don't know. I understand both sides of this having stood on both. I've been through some nasty trials in my life, trials of which I am grateful to some extent because of the thick skin they have given me. But taking care of my dad and watching him slowly get worse, and then pass away, certainly has been the most difficult. And prior to this I thought I needed my faith to get me through it. And there were times when my faith was a huge comfort. But most of the time...it really wasn't. It wasn't harmful nor did it make things more difficult, but I don't know that it truly helped anything either. And now that I've seen that, it's easier to step back. Some of my friends are having a hard time with where I am. I can see, and hear, their fear - and I don't know if that's for me...or themselves....probably a combo of the two. It's hard. Because I don't see any reason to fear...for me or for themselves. I just want all of my friends to know their own strength. To feel, and see, their own courage. I would never discourage a friend from their faith, it's a personal choice, but I just don't want anyone to feel chained to their faith because they fear they can't stand on their own two feet...
...interesting that we're always taught in the church that we're slaves to sin, pride, the world, etc....but sometimes I think it's the church that creates those very chains...
~Jac
Perhaps the most interesting thing is that I haven't felt a loss of self, honestly, on any level. It just is what it is.
And this got me thinking about the church and the things I've been taught over the years. Now, before I go into this, know that I have no anger, resentment, etc. toward the church, this all has become very unemotional for me actually. Anyways, I started wondering why I wasn't having an identity crisis. After all, we're taught in the church that we find our identity in Christ. We are who we are because of Christ, and we are nothing without Him and the church. But...I'm still me. I'm still standing. I'm still happy. My life isn't a sad bowl of shit now that I'm taking a step back. I'm perfectly fine. If anything, this experience is helping me see even more of who I truly am. And guess what, I like who that woman is...even without calling myself a "Proverbs 31" woman.
But back to the church. From the outside looking in, I must say that the church appears to do this in a way that instills fear in the members of the congregation. If a person's identity is completely wrapped up in one particular belief set, they would be too scared to leave it, question it, or shake things up on ANY level. And that makes me suspicious.
In order to worship Christ, why do we need to lose who we are?????? HE MADE US. If God created us to be a certain way, with certain strengths, then why in the world should we completely abandon that person and say we are nothing without Christ? Because the fact of the matter is that I'm a strong as nails, independent, intelligent, funny, creative, passionate woman with, or without, christian beliefs. Now, I've grown up in the church, I've worked for the church, and I've gone to seminary, so I KNOW the answers to these questions. But taking a step back and seeing this issue from the other side, those answers just don't all add up for me anymore. And it upsets me that I feel like I've been taught that I can't do anything on my own. Why is that admirable??? And why is it wrong to be strong? Why is it wrong to have the courage and tenacity to push through a trial without a crutch???
I don't know. I understand both sides of this having stood on both. I've been through some nasty trials in my life, trials of which I am grateful to some extent because of the thick skin they have given me. But taking care of my dad and watching him slowly get worse, and then pass away, certainly has been the most difficult. And prior to this I thought I needed my faith to get me through it. And there were times when my faith was a huge comfort. But most of the time...it really wasn't. It wasn't harmful nor did it make things more difficult, but I don't know that it truly helped anything either. And now that I've seen that, it's easier to step back. Some of my friends are having a hard time with where I am. I can see, and hear, their fear - and I don't know if that's for me...or themselves....probably a combo of the two. It's hard. Because I don't see any reason to fear...for me or for themselves. I just want all of my friends to know their own strength. To feel, and see, their own courage. I would never discourage a friend from their faith, it's a personal choice, but I just don't want anyone to feel chained to their faith because they fear they can't stand on their own two feet...
...interesting that we're always taught in the church that we're slaves to sin, pride, the world, etc....but sometimes I think it's the church that creates those very chains...
~Jac
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