The Strength to Break Chains...

So I'm taking a little hiadus (sp?) from the church, christianity, however you want to say it. I've been questioning my faith very seriously for the past couple of months and it's been...interesting.

Perhaps the most interesting thing is that I haven't felt a loss of self, honestly, on any level. It just is what it is.

And this got me thinking about the church and the things I've been taught over the years. Now, before I go into this, know that I have no anger, resentment, etc. toward the church, this all has become very unemotional for me actually. Anyways, I started wondering why I wasn't having an identity crisis. After all, we're taught in the church that we find our identity in Christ. We are who we are because of Christ, and we are nothing without Him and the church. But...I'm still me. I'm still standing. I'm still happy. My life isn't a sad bowl of shit now that I'm taking a step back. I'm perfectly fine. If anything, this experience is helping me see even more of who I truly am. And guess what, I like who that woman is...even without calling myself a "Proverbs 31" woman.

But back to the church. From the outside looking in, I must say that the church appears to do this in a way that instills fear in the members of the congregation. If a person's identity is completely wrapped up in one particular belief set, they would be too scared to leave it, question it, or shake things up on ANY level. And that makes me suspicious.

In order to worship Christ, why do we need to lose who we are?????? HE MADE US. If God created us to be a certain way, with certain strengths, then why in the world should we completely abandon that person and say we are nothing without Christ? Because the fact of the matter is that I'm a strong as nails, independent, intelligent, funny, creative, passionate woman with, or without, christian beliefs. Now, I've grown up in the church, I've worked for the church, and I've gone to seminary, so I KNOW the answers to these questions. But taking a step back and seeing this issue from the other side, those answers just don't all add up for me anymore. And it upsets me that I feel like I've been taught that I can't do anything on my own. Why is that admirable??? And why is it wrong to be strong? Why is it wrong to have the courage and tenacity to push through a trial without a crutch???

I don't know. I understand both sides of this having stood on both. I've been through some nasty trials in my life, trials of which I am grateful to some extent because of the thick skin they have given me. But taking care of my dad and watching him slowly get worse, and then pass away, certainly has been the most difficult. And prior to this I thought I needed my faith to get me through it. And there were times when my faith was a huge comfort. But most of the time...it really wasn't. It wasn't harmful nor did it make things more difficult, but I don't know that it truly helped anything either. And now that I've seen that, it's easier to step back. Some of my friends are having a hard time with where I am. I can see, and hear, their fear - and I don't know if that's for me...or themselves....probably a combo of the two. It's hard. Because I don't see any reason to fear...for me or for themselves. I just want all of my friends to know their own strength. To feel, and see, their own courage. I would never discourage a friend from their faith, it's a personal choice, but I just don't want anyone to feel chained to their faith because they fear they can't stand on their own two feet...

...interesting that we're always taught in the church that we're slaves to sin, pride, the world, etc....but sometimes I think it's the church that creates those very chains...

~Jac