All-Powerful huh?

Christians claim that we are protected by God. He watches over us and makes sure we're provided for.

But is that really true???

I'm not really sure where the church gets off saying that "God's protection, grace, and love abounds" when there is so much pain in this world. While I've had my own set of trials and heartbreaks, it doesn't even compare to the pain of others.

I want to know where the hell "god" was when my friend's family members (yes, plural) were sexually abusing her. Or the multiple times she was raped as a teenager/young adult. Or when she starved herself down to 76 lbs. Or when her father told her over and over again that not only was she worthless, ugly, and stupid, but that even if a guy ever loved her enough to marry her, he would soon divorce her. Answer that, please. There is absolutely NO possible way I can continue to believe in a god that would allow a young girl (child) with a heart of gold to go through so many UNSPEAKABLE pains. I went out tonight to have a good time, but I found myself, slightly drunk, playing therapist and doing everything I could to love on the people around me...because so many other assholes in their lives had not.

No, I can't do it anymore. I won't give in to this "we live in a broken world, and satan is creating problems and pain" bull shit. If there is a satan, and there is a god, then what the fuck is he waiting for!? Get off your selfish, holier than thou (literally) ass and actually protect and LOVE the people you created!!! I'm angry as hell. ANd not just because I've lost someone, my past abuse experiences, and heart breaks, but because others have gotten it ten times worse and are slowly killing themselves because the pain is too much. This bullshit about the "refining fire" and "God never gives us more than we can handle" is ridiculous. And it points to a self-centered, arrogant, and MEAN god. A parent doesn't continue to let their child burn their hand on the stove, or let some stranger into their home to knowingly rape their child everyday - a parent does everything in their power to STOP it. The church's answer for this isn't sufficient and it points to a theology based around self-comfort, not truth. I refuse to put ANY faith into a god that just sits back and lets injustices like this occur - even if those injustices rightfully sadden him...if he's so sad, then DO SOMETHING. I've been so hurt at times in my life, but my heart breaks into pieces knowing what others have gone through... while "god" just sat back and let it happen. Not everything works out for good...now matter how obnoxiously optimistic you are.

I almost feel guilty for having the father I did. Man, I have been blessed. I woke up every damn day for the past 26 years and KNEW my Daddy loved me more than himself. He never stopped loving me, supporting me, and protecting me. He was THERE. And even though my time with him was cut FAR too short, that time was fully used. I will have that for the rest of my life.

But so many others won't.

If I could wish for anything in the world, it would be that I could love (verb) the pain out of everyone. Make them whole. I've believed for so many years that "only Jesus" can restore people and bring complete healing (this even came up in my griefshare class a couple of weeks ago), but I just don't agree. While I can't do it, apparently, neither can he...and I'm sick of waiting around for him to do something. (Besides, it's pretty ridiculous of christianity to claim ONLY god can heal...there are plenty of fully satisfied, well-adjusted, joyful people in the world with lots of pain in their past and present who don't believe in god. I think it's another scare tactic on the part of the church.)

I'm done.

I will do everything in my power to make sure the people in my life know how treasured they are, to make sure they know they aren't alone. And I will do it because I know that I can't rely on anyone or anything else to do it.

Good night & Sweet dreams,

~Pissed

Shooow Meeee the Isssuuuuuues! :)

I've been meaning to get on here & write for quite some time, but I haven't because I've either been too busy, too lazy, or avoiding "dealing" with things. BUT I'm on here now & that's what matters, right?

Life has been interesting recently - great in some ways, bad in others. My mom & I are going through some things right now, things which I guess we aren't discussing. But, in time, I know we will...despite the issues in our relationship I'm extremely fortunate to have such a loving, passionate mother who deals with things as they need "dealing". Ironically, as I've struggled with where we are, I've been hit over the head numerous times with the wisdom of both my parents. They REALLY do get smarter the older you get! :) This revelation makes me smile & cry all at the same time since I know they have been right all this time, & now I can't let my dad know it (though I certainly can for my mom!). I need to let my mom know....& so do you if you're able. She's here, and everyday that she's here is a blessing that I need to take advantage of. While I was able to say most of what I wanted to my dad & to deal with some of the monsters in the closet, I STILL find myself talking out loud just hoping that somehow he can hear me say "OK Daddy, yoooou weeeeere riiiiiiight." He wasn't perfect, my mom isn't perfect, but time is short & us kids should soak up as much of our moms & dads as we can before it's too late.

Speaking of time being short - my roommate found out his mother was killed in a car accident on Tuesday. Yea...that one will hit you in the chest and knock you over. I can't even imagine being in his shoes. I may have just lost a parent, but I had the talks beforehand...I knew it was coming (even though it came MUCH quicker than expected). But my roommate probably hadn't even come to terms with his parents' mortality yet. And suddenly she was gone. I just can't imagine that heartbreak. I knew my Daddy was dying, but even today, 8 months and 3 days later, I STILL see his picture and think, "How can you be gone? When am I going to wake up from this dream?? How can death be a 'real' thing?!" My heart aches for my roommate and his siblings.

I have mixed feelings about he and I being in this house...2 mourning kids - lol, awesome. That's like throwing 2 crack addicts out on the street & telling them to figure it out. BUT...there must be something to this...some reason why this random guy & I live together during one of the hardest trials either of us will go through. I only hope I can be a support for him.

I seem to attract "issues". We all have them, NO DOUBT, but I attract BIG issues (probably wise that I'm going to be a therapist!). I've recently become friends with someone else who has some major stuff to work through...someone who I can see being good friends with for awhile. This is going to sound strange but I feel encouraged by this! For whatever reason, I've always attracted broken hearts, but since I've been a total mess with losing my dad, there hasn't been much of that in my life (I haven't been able to deal with my drama, much less other people's!). So I'll take this as a sign that I'm well on my way to being a normal, happy, whole person again :) And a normal, happy, whole person who is blessed to be able to pour into the lives of others around me who desperately need it (we all do).

Along those same lines, I'm happy to say that my issues with shopping have improved drastically! It's been baby steps, but one little step at a time I'm becoming a healthy, mature adult with my finances (and emotions). Last week, I messed up and spent a ton of money I shouldn't have, but I returned a vast majority of it & came home feeling like I could breathe deeper. Progress.

I look forward to the months to come (especially since I'll find out from UT in the next month!) & the continued progress to be made. Life has been really rough the past 2 years, but the bumps in the road are slowly smoothing themselves out. I'm still not sure where I stand spiritually (I can't even pray now...and don't see the purpose of it), but I'm SO excited that I have the ability to start sharing that "love of Jesus" with people around me again...whether it's coming from Jesus or not...

Jacquie

Confessions of a Real Life Shopaholic

I should have a reality show. Probably not one of those Jersey Shore, Millionaire Matchmaker, or The Hills type shows (my life doesn't have enough social drama, wild sex, or drunken mistakes to be considered entertaining like those giants). But should someone start a show that follows a young woman around while she spends too much money on clothes, furniture, fine dining, and expensive show tickets then I'd be ushered into instant fame. (maybe I just described Paris Hilton?? No, she's the steroids version of me & The Hills....)

Yes, I'm an impulsive shopper. This has been an issue for as long as I can remember. When my dad got sick 2 years ago my shopping habits became off-the-charts out-of-control. I didn't think it could possibly get worse...

But it did.

I'm an emotional shopper. It's truly an addiction. That's something I simply can't deny...but maybe that's good. After all, the 1st step to recovery is "admitting you have a problem." Geez. I hate that I actually fit the bill for that.

Many people (especially guys) don't understand how this happens. I mean, I'm an intelligent woman. I'm strong and independent. I'm confident in who I am. I've been living on my own for the past 8 years. And I know how to create an AWESOME budget on Excel...hell, I'll come up with my 20 year financial plan for you and not even my Edward Jones guy could argue with it's infallibility. I'm very good at that - I have some great common sense workin' for me!

And yet...I can't stick to that fabulous budget to save my life. For whatever reason, I need someone breathing down my neck everyday for me to keep my brain working properly.

And that's where the addiction takes hold. When I have a shitty day, I want to shop. It doesn't matter if it's online, at the outlet mall, at a flee market, or in a men's clothing store where there's NOTHING I need, I'll find a way to spend my money. Other times it doesn't even take a bad day...but if I latch onto an idea in my head, I get stuck on it (I can be a little stubborn). So when I decide I want/need something...I do everything I can to make sure it happens. And during "the hunt" for whatever I think I need, I feel GREAT. The world is right when I'm finding deals, and completely distracted by whatever ugly thing in my life is starring me in the face. It's bad....very, very bad.

Some people drink themselves into a stupor. Some people get high on any substance they can find. Some people go out and sleep with the first thing that smiles at them...or spend hours in front of the computer watching porn. I, however, shop. It's nothing short of a drug, and equally destructive.

We all have our vices. Every single person walking this planet has that ONE thing that they can't seem to beat...that is a constant struggle to control or maintain in their life (it may not be obvious, but there is always something). This is mine. So how do I beat it?? Alcoholics are told to never go into a bar. Drug addicts usually need to move into a new neighborhood and get new friends. So, what does a shopaholic do??? It's not like I can stop shopping...that's like telling a morbidly obese person they can no longer eat or go to the grocery store. Shopping, like eating, is a basic part of life (I say that b/c I even get tempted at places like H-E-B and Target!).

I'm not at all surprised that my shopping became exponentially worse since my dad died. My dad was the foundation of my little world...and in many ways I didn't even realize until now. But, even though it wasn't surprising, it's still been EXTREMELY disappointing...

Where I go from here, I'm not sure. I'm searching for a mentor to help with this, and I also want to start DA meetings (yes, I know...I'm serious). We'll see how it goes...if you pray, please pray for me. If you don't (not even I do right now), then just send lots of happy vibes my direction.

Oh, and typically the way addiction works is that you can't just stop a behavior because it's usually replaced by another. Well, I don't really wanna be an alcoholic or druggie, nor do I want to become a sex-phen (sp?).

Maybe I can get SUPER into working out....(I know, that sorta makes me laugh too).

~Jac

The Strength to Break Chains...

So I'm taking a little hiadus (sp?) from the church, christianity, however you want to say it. I've been questioning my faith very seriously for the past couple of months and it's been...interesting.

Perhaps the most interesting thing is that I haven't felt a loss of self, honestly, on any level. It just is what it is.

And this got me thinking about the church and the things I've been taught over the years. Now, before I go into this, know that I have no anger, resentment, etc. toward the church, this all has become very unemotional for me actually. Anyways, I started wondering why I wasn't having an identity crisis. After all, we're taught in the church that we find our identity in Christ. We are who we are because of Christ, and we are nothing without Him and the church. But...I'm still me. I'm still standing. I'm still happy. My life isn't a sad bowl of shit now that I'm taking a step back. I'm perfectly fine. If anything, this experience is helping me see even more of who I truly am. And guess what, I like who that woman is...even without calling myself a "Proverbs 31" woman.

But back to the church. From the outside looking in, I must say that the church appears to do this in a way that instills fear in the members of the congregation. If a person's identity is completely wrapped up in one particular belief set, they would be too scared to leave it, question it, or shake things up on ANY level. And that makes me suspicious.

In order to worship Christ, why do we need to lose who we are?????? HE MADE US. If God created us to be a certain way, with certain strengths, then why in the world should we completely abandon that person and say we are nothing without Christ? Because the fact of the matter is that I'm a strong as nails, independent, intelligent, funny, creative, passionate woman with, or without, christian beliefs. Now, I've grown up in the church, I've worked for the church, and I've gone to seminary, so I KNOW the answers to these questions. But taking a step back and seeing this issue from the other side, those answers just don't all add up for me anymore. And it upsets me that I feel like I've been taught that I can't do anything on my own. Why is that admirable??? And why is it wrong to be strong? Why is it wrong to have the courage and tenacity to push through a trial without a crutch???

I don't know. I understand both sides of this having stood on both. I've been through some nasty trials in my life, trials of which I am grateful to some extent because of the thick skin they have given me. But taking care of my dad and watching him slowly get worse, and then pass away, certainly has been the most difficult. And prior to this I thought I needed my faith to get me through it. And there were times when my faith was a huge comfort. But most of the time...it really wasn't. It wasn't harmful nor did it make things more difficult, but I don't know that it truly helped anything either. And now that I've seen that, it's easier to step back. Some of my friends are having a hard time with where I am. I can see, and hear, their fear - and I don't know if that's for me...or themselves....probably a combo of the two. It's hard. Because I don't see any reason to fear...for me or for themselves. I just want all of my friends to know their own strength. To feel, and see, their own courage. I would never discourage a friend from their faith, it's a personal choice, but I just don't want anyone to feel chained to their faith because they fear they can't stand on their own two feet...

...interesting that we're always taught in the church that we're slaves to sin, pride, the world, etc....but sometimes I think it's the church that creates those very chains...

~Jac

I Finally Understand Scrooge.

Well, it's Christmas Eve (day)and all I really want to do is sleep. I've been awake for several hours but I have no desire to get up...although I did seriously think about getting up to take down all my Christmas decor.

I should be studying for my GRE test which is on Saturday, and then heading to my mom's. But I just don't want to...on either accounts. I want to do well on Saturday. I also love my mom and stepdad and want to see them and enjoy time with them. But...I also want to pretend that Christmas isn't happening this year...that perhaps the past 6 months never happened.

~Jacquie

...And There's A Time to Join a Boxing Class.

I'm angry.

I know I've probably mentioned this before. But I am. I'm really, really angry. Yup, back at that stage again. Don't ask me with who, or about what...I couldn't really tell you. I just know I am. I just know I'd really like to hit someone. No really...sometimes we say that half heatedly, I'm not. I'd REALLY like to hit someone. I've felt this way all weekend and I'm not sure what brought it on. (maybe my 2 days in NYC was too much, lol)

I'm not really sure what to do with this. And I know a lot of it is directed at God...a God that I'm not sure I believe in, rather, I'm not sure I WANT to believe in right now. I mean, what's the point? Seriously...what's the point? I don't trust Him...I don't like Him....maybe I'd like to hit God. Actually, I'd just rather ignore Him right now, and hit a few people I know - that would feel much better.

But would it?

Maybe I'm mad at my dad. A couple of people have asked me this, and I don't know how to answer it. I feel like deep down somewhere inside I AM mad at him, god knows why, but I am....but it makes NO sense whatsoever. So what the hell am I supposed to do with that?? Why should I feel any anger towards the most important man in my life who had absolutely no control over what happened to him (us)and who fought hard to the very end??? I don't understand it. I'd rather be mad at god...if he's really there. I've basically told God that if He REALLY is there, if He's REALLY been here with me through all this bull shit, then He needs to show me. I need a damn burning bush in my yard. Otherwise...no. I can't trust that. And I'm mad. And I want to be mad at him, and keep him several arms lengths away.

And I want life to feel NORMAL again. Whatever that means. Happy, maybe? ...I hear Zoloft works wonders; ooooh the delights of a nation riddled with substance abuse and over-use of pharmaceuticals...

~Jacquie

The Love Game.

So here's a question - when is a grieving person ready to date again? This question is especially complex when it's a 20-something daughter who just lost her father....

My dad has always been my "base camp", and my security and stability. I've had no qualms with going out and exploring the world, making mistakes, and not having other men in my life (aka. constant boyfriend, etc.) because I always had my father. Now that he is gone, so is my "constant"...and my stability.

Likewise, I currently feel like an astronaut floating around in space. It's like I was once attached to a space station, but that rope was cut. I have every opportunity I could want in front of me right now. The options are endless. Which is exciting...and very scary. Without my rope attached to something/someone I'm simply floating around. I recently described this to my therapist and she then asked, "well, what would you like to attach your rope to?" We always worded this as if the ceiling above me (my dad) has been ripped away, and now I need a new "box" to put around me...or I need to tie my rope up to something else. So what new box do I want around me, or where do I want to attach my rope?

What scared me is that my first reaction to that question was "marriage". But there's 2 different sides to that...

1) It could potentially very bad and very dangerous. Am I feeling this way simply because marriage can provide some stability, and put a "box" around me/give me a place to attach that rope?? And how does this play into the affirmation I no longer recieve from my father? What all am I seeking after from this??

2) This could be a potentially wonderful thing. In the past I've shied away from marriage simply because I didn't want to answer to anyone else. Yeeeaaa, I know, how terrible does that sound! I've just always been extremely independent and I've never really NEEDED a man in my life to make me happy or to feel confident, etc (thus why I've been single more than in a relationship...plus the whole moving around a lot thing, but that's another conversation, lol). On top of that, I've always been very close to my dad so he's always been the one I've answered to, bounced ideas off of, given me the confidence I needed, etc....why WOULD I want to answer to another person/have to consider someone else in my decisions? But now that has changed. I no longer have this attachment to my dad, and I feel more open to having a man in my life who I will consider in my decisions, lean on, and "answer to". I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing....I think this might be a very good thing actually.

But how do I know when I'm ready to be in a relationship again? How do I know when I'm seeking this because I'm finally ready to committ to that person, and not because I'm trying to fill the void my father left?

The only thing I know for sure at this point is that whatever happens will be happening veeeeeery sloooooooow!

Please feel free to share your thoughts....and any cute, young friends you may have ;)