Clarifying More Than What I Thought....

WOW! I’m on a roll with this thing! Like 3 days in a row!

So, the last few days have been interesting, intersting in a way I never really expected.

Since I was a child I’ve always believed in God. I never really understood church, or what I was learning in Sunday School (I remember feeling so stupid compared to other teenage Christians later on). Anyways, I just don’t think most of it really sank in for some reason. But I still always connected with God…I’ve just always been a pretty spiritual person I suppose.

But over the past week or so I’ve found myself very seriously questioning God. Not just what He’s doing/done, or asking “why”, but questioning His existence. It’s almost shocking to me in a way. I’ve gone through periods where I’ve been skeptical, but it took very little time before I poo-poo’d the idea due to the spiritual experiences I’ve had throughout my life. But this time is different. It’s not shaking off as easily.

And what’s weirder is that I’m not terrified. And even weirder, I don’t fall apart when I think about there not being a heaven (aka. Is Daddy just gone?)…of all the times in my life to want to believe in an afterlife, now would be it…right?

I think this is due to…

1.) I haven’t been to church since I left San Diego (5 ½ months ago), other than 1 short service, and 1 Sunday School lesson I taught.

2.) I’ll bet I haven’t REGULARLY read the Bible in close to 2 years (since before my dad got sick) – sure I’ve read it (after all I HAVE been at a seminary since then, lol), gotten plenty out of it, etc., but it hasn’t been a routine part of life or anything.

3.) I’ve been exercising the logical side of my brain more and naturally the “what ifs” and need for evidence are going to supersede everything else, at least for the time being.

And 4.) *this is the big one* Grief changes things. Period. My Dad was always an imperfect, living Jesus for me…he loved me unconditionally, protected me, disciplined me, comforted me, guided me, showed me what true Grace is about, and was a confidant. God is, of course, all these things and more. So what happens when you lose the earthly version of that??

The ripple effect caused by death is profound. Since my dad died, there have been many days I’ve felt as if I’m walking around in the depressing part of “It’s a Wonderful Life” (less so now, but in the 1st couple of months this was frequent). Especially the confusing, bleak scene where James Stewart is wondering up and down the street with a terrified look on his face, and he doesn’t recognize anything around him, can’t find his family, everyone’s lives are falling apart, etc. I hear so many wonderful stories about my dad…and stories about how sad people are that he’s gone, that their worlds have forever changed in a drastic way. A single death can affect hundreds, even thousands (and judging by the 600ish at the memorial service I’d say my Dad touched a few people!). Think about it, if we consider the ‘ole 6 degrees of separation, then how many people ARE affected by a single person, rather directly or indirectly?? It’s a lot.

As my father’s youngest, I saw my Dad as my hero…he could do plenty wrong, but no matter what, he was the most important man in my life. He played all those roles I mentioned above (protector, etc.), and with him gone, I’ve had to learn to survive on my own. I’ve had to “shut up and be tough” as we say in my family…I am my protector, I have to make my own decisions without that much-needed sounding board, and I have to receive the affirmation my father gave me from other places (or learn to do without). It’s hardened me to some degree. And now I’m having a hard time separating those lost attributes of my father, with those that the Lord continually provides.

In a way, my idea of God has died with my father. This doesn’t necessarily mean He is gone (no more than if I decided that the shared characteristics of my father and mother meant that she was gone), but it does mean that I have to rebuild my picture of God, and mostly, learn how to be the tough, strong, woman I am and have had to become, and STILL be able to rely on God.

I don’t know the answer to this. I don’t know how long it will take me before I come to some conclusion about all this…it may take awhile. I do know that my faith is being tested in a big way, so we’ll see how it goes.

But from my logical brain to yours, something that constantly comes to mind regarding the existence of God – it is no more, or less, logical to believe in a higher being who created all the patterns in nature and everything else in the universe, than it is to believe that everything is simply happenchance and in totally chaos. Take that for what it is…either way, living with God in your life, or not, is going to come with many ups and downs, pros and cons.

In my very first post I discussed the concept of clarity. The whole purpose of this blog (if anyone can truly say that there’s a purpose for a blog outside of venting and verbalizing internalizations) is to bring better understanding to the process of grief, to make it less ambiguous (and thus easier for us all to know how to interact with and love a grieving person…and maybe even to know what to expect- answer being, have no expectations!).

I see this whole process as a time to not only understand what grieving is like and how it occurs, but it’s a time for deeper understanding of myself, my foundational beliefs, and finding out “what I’m made of”. In other words, it’s about clarifying who I am (in general, and without a father).

It’s gonna be a long process. (Does it ever really end though is the question??)