Please read previous post first!

OK technical difficulties! But I think I figured it out!

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Things have been so weird lately. Things are getting better - I’m more social, I want to do a lot of stuff, etc. But it’s like I’ll be fine one second and then the next it feels like I have no hope and I hate life right now, and feel depressed about where I am in life. I know this is just a storm I have to walk through….but when does it end?? When do I wake up one day and go, “wow, I haven’t felt like shit in a really long time! And my life is really GOOD, no, GREAT!” I’m ready for that.

I long for life to be like it was in Maryland or the summer Debs and I lived in Corpus…lots of good friends, good food, good drinks, and get togethers ALL the time. Life seemed normal then, and happy.

Now….it feels like I might feel that way again one day, but then I get home (by myself, in my dad’s old room) and suddenly I start to doubt it. And I just HATE that I’m going to be here another 6-8 months! I wish I could rent out the house (like NOW so it’s paid for) and go rent a fun little apartment in Austin and meet fun people and just hang out all the time!

I miss the city. That makes being here really hard too. I just love the buzz of city life…how things are always changing and you never know who you’re going to meet, or what you’ll be doing next weekend (but you know it’ll be fun)…the options are endless. There’s never boredom. Or small town minded people. Or people who know your dead father. Or being surrounded by nothing but moms and dads and babies…people you love but feel like you have nothing in common with anymore. I love Diana and Emily for instance, but I get tired of hearing all about their kids eating habits, and what cute things they said today….or how great their husbands are (or aren’t). I WANT to hear about their lives and share in that with them, I love them like sisters…but I don’t relate to that I guess. I probably shouldn’t feel that way, but I do…I’m just not in the same spot as them. I feel like that episode of Sex & the City when Carrie goes to the baby shower and her friend basically tells her she’s not doing anything important with her life because she’s not married with kids. And Carrie corrects her, and the whole show is about how it’s OK to not live that traditional life…how you can be HAPPY without kids and a mortgage and a husband. That it’s ok to be fun and single and FREE. I feel like I have no friends here that get that. They love me and care about me…and they ask how I’m doing when I see them (which isn’t often enough), but…I don’t know…not only am I the single one, but I’m also the one without a father…the one who’s grieving and nobody else really knows what to say or do. They're such wonderful friends...but no matter how great a friend someone is, this is still a lonely process...

Debbie gets it…but she’s also living the single life in DC. And I love hearing her stories about the things she and her friends are going out and doing, she cracks me up with them actually. But it’s also hard. I want that too…I want the fun single friends and Christian friends who aren’t afraid to get tipsy, and flirt with random cute men, and go out every night of the week if I feel like it! I’m ready to be a part of that too.

I just need POSITIVE, EXCITING things in my life. Yes, I know I need to take it slow still and have plenty of time to reflect and process, etc, but I need stuff to get my endorphins going too!

I may have already written about this, but I have this really attractive GRE tutor right now… handsome, patient, smart, funny, into fun stuff/hobbies, and talented (professional opera singer!), and he comes to mind way too often, lol. And while it’s certainly due to all the above, I think it’s also because he feels like the first exciting thing in my life in a long time…the first time I felt a little giddy after a session with him it was like someone had injected coke up my arm! I just haven’t felt like that in forever and I CRAVE it. I need more Tim’s in my life. It’s SO ridiculous because there’s absolutely nothing there and he’s made every effort to keep things purely professional between us, LOL, it’s kind of funny actually and I’m starting to get a kick out of juuuust seeing what he’ll say or if he’ll respond to certain statements or questions (and he doesn’t…he has the will power of a brick wall, haha). ANYWAYS, I get super ridiculous, juvenile enjoyment out of something so insignificant. And that makes me realize how much I’m yearning for more in my life right now. I don't think it's really about him as it is what he represents...normalcy...excitement...fun...something intriguing....all that.

And I know I should be thinking about the exciting things God is going to do in the coming months, and how blessed I am today despite everything, and blah blah blah…but I need something NOW. My life has been absolute shit for nearly 2 years and I just can’t take it much longer! That's not to say that there haven't been MANY blessings and wonderful times and relationships over the past 2 years...God has certainly provided wonderful things and people...but, it's been so overshadowed by Daddy's illness and death...life has been scary as hell, and exhausting. I just want to feel…ALIVE. And free. I’ve felt chained for 2 years…to what exactly, I don’t know…but it’s sucked.

I’m glad I’m getting to a place where I know good things are around the corner, that life IS moving forward from here. But…sometimes I feel like I’m swimming upstream trying to remember that because there’s still so much BLAH in life right now.

Also, I just finished putting up my Christmas tree right before deciding I needed to type this. I turned on the lights, and then sat down and just felt yucky. Part of me gets super excited about Christmas (as usual), but part of me also just wants to crawl under the covers and sleep for the next 2 months until it’s over. And I just wish I had someone here in the house with me that understood this. God love my roommate, but he just isn’t a good fit for me right now. I need a girl (or guy I suppose) who can become a close friend that I look forward to sitting on the couch drinking wine with when she gets home and just BSing…and someone who I can cry with…and go grocery shopping with…and laugh about completely stupid stuff with! She can even be a slob! But I need something like that….being here with Travis (who, bless his heart, just doesn’t get it (and I can't expect him to be my best friend or a therapist) and who I’m not comfortable talking to) and/or being alone, just isn’t working.

I miss my dad.

Three years ago when it was just us in the house for Christmas (because of his prostate cancer treatments going through the holidays so he couldn’t travel) I burned into my memory how it felt to be here with him. I remember that it was extremely hard to celebrate with only us, we’re both used to a dozen + people and constant noise, but it was ok…cuz we were together in it. We made our own little Christmas, and it was special because of that.

It sounds like there’s a chance this Christmas is going to be very low key on my mom’s side and everybody is going to be everywhere…so it may just be my mom, Fred, Derek, and I…even Taylor may not be here. I just don’t know what to think of that. Not only am I adjusting to not having my dad here, but now all our normal traditions may not be happening. It just feels so…I feel so displaced.

I just want him back.

I just want my life back.

I know I’ll get it back, God will put me where I need to be as I enter a new season of life, but how long do I have to wait?! When will I be ready for it!?

I’m already making plans for after the holidays to take a couple of dance classes, take violin lessons, take a Spanish class, and a musicianship class, maybe a photography class, hopefully get back into hiking and other outdoor activities, etc. – things that I find therapeutic! I’ve also joined a couple of meetup groups to meet new, single, fun friends in the Austin area, and started my own. I’ve bought tickets to just about every performing arts event possible. And I want to start volunteering my P-E certification for the clients at the pregnancy center. That’s enough to fill my schedule even without school or a job! (though I hope to get one of those!). But…it’s going to take patience to get there – there’s still a month and a half left before NYE. And I don’t know how much more of it I have left…it’s been a long damn time.

I want VEGAS again. I want to drink way too much with somebody I trust to get me back to my hotel room when needed (aka Debbie). To go dancing for HOURS with guys I’ll never have to see again, and to just escape from all this. But why is it that I want all that when I REALLY want to be emotionally healthy again (and Vegas style sure isn’t going to get me there!). Ugh…maybe it’s good I don’t have friends who like to go out…

I don’t know…I guess I’ve rambled enough. I’m just SO ready for change.

Lord help me wait through this…help me to walk through this with my integrity intact.