Well, it's Christmas Eve (day)and all I really want to do is sleep. I've been awake for several hours but I have no desire to get up...although I did seriously think about getting up to take down all my Christmas decor.
I should be studying for my GRE test which is on Saturday, and then heading to my mom's. But I just don't want to...on either accounts. I want to do well on Saturday. I also love my mom and stepdad and want to see them and enjoy time with them. But...I also want to pretend that Christmas isn't happening this year...that perhaps the past 6 months never happened.
~Jacquie
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
...And There's A Time to Join a Boxing Class.
I'm angry.
I know I've probably mentioned this before. But I am. I'm really, really angry. Yup, back at that stage again. Don't ask me with who, or about what...I couldn't really tell you. I just know I am. I just know I'd really like to hit someone. No really...sometimes we say that half heatedly, I'm not. I'd REALLY like to hit someone. I've felt this way all weekend and I'm not sure what brought it on. (maybe my 2 days in NYC was too much, lol)
I'm not really sure what to do with this. And I know a lot of it is directed at God...a God that I'm not sure I believe in, rather, I'm not sure I WANT to believe in right now. I mean, what's the point? Seriously...what's the point? I don't trust Him...I don't like Him....maybe I'd like to hit God. Actually, I'd just rather ignore Him right now, and hit a few people I know - that would feel much better.
But would it?
Maybe I'm mad at my dad. A couple of people have asked me this, and I don't know how to answer it. I feel like deep down somewhere inside I AM mad at him, god knows why, but I am....but it makes NO sense whatsoever. So what the hell am I supposed to do with that?? Why should I feel any anger towards the most important man in my life who had absolutely no control over what happened to him (us)and who fought hard to the very end??? I don't understand it. I'd rather be mad at god...if he's really there. I've basically told God that if He REALLY is there, if He's REALLY been here with me through all this bull shit, then He needs to show me. I need a damn burning bush in my yard. Otherwise...no. I can't trust that. And I'm mad. And I want to be mad at him, and keep him several arms lengths away.
And I want life to feel NORMAL again. Whatever that means. Happy, maybe? ...I hear Zoloft works wonders; ooooh the delights of a nation riddled with substance abuse and over-use of pharmaceuticals...
~Jacquie
I know I've probably mentioned this before. But I am. I'm really, really angry. Yup, back at that stage again. Don't ask me with who, or about what...I couldn't really tell you. I just know I am. I just know I'd really like to hit someone. No really...sometimes we say that half heatedly, I'm not. I'd REALLY like to hit someone. I've felt this way all weekend and I'm not sure what brought it on. (maybe my 2 days in NYC was too much, lol)
I'm not really sure what to do with this. And I know a lot of it is directed at God...a God that I'm not sure I believe in, rather, I'm not sure I WANT to believe in right now. I mean, what's the point? Seriously...what's the point? I don't trust Him...I don't like Him....maybe I'd like to hit God. Actually, I'd just rather ignore Him right now, and hit a few people I know - that would feel much better.
But would it?
Maybe I'm mad at my dad. A couple of people have asked me this, and I don't know how to answer it. I feel like deep down somewhere inside I AM mad at him, god knows why, but I am....but it makes NO sense whatsoever. So what the hell am I supposed to do with that?? Why should I feel any anger towards the most important man in my life who had absolutely no control over what happened to him (us)and who fought hard to the very end??? I don't understand it. I'd rather be mad at god...if he's really there. I've basically told God that if He REALLY is there, if He's REALLY been here with me through all this bull shit, then He needs to show me. I need a damn burning bush in my yard. Otherwise...no. I can't trust that. And I'm mad. And I want to be mad at him, and keep him several arms lengths away.
And I want life to feel NORMAL again. Whatever that means. Happy, maybe? ...I hear Zoloft works wonders; ooooh the delights of a nation riddled with substance abuse and over-use of pharmaceuticals...
~Jacquie
Thursday, December 10, 2009
The Love Game.
So here's a question - when is a grieving person ready to date again? This question is especially complex when it's a 20-something daughter who just lost her father....
My dad has always been my "base camp", and my security and stability. I've had no qualms with going out and exploring the world, making mistakes, and not having other men in my life (aka. constant boyfriend, etc.) because I always had my father. Now that he is gone, so is my "constant"...and my stability.
Likewise, I currently feel like an astronaut floating around in space. It's like I was once attached to a space station, but that rope was cut. I have every opportunity I could want in front of me right now. The options are endless. Which is exciting...and very scary. Without my rope attached to something/someone I'm simply floating around. I recently described this to my therapist and she then asked, "well, what would you like to attach your rope to?" We always worded this as if the ceiling above me (my dad) has been ripped away, and now I need a new "box" to put around me...or I need to tie my rope up to something else. So what new box do I want around me, or where do I want to attach my rope?
What scared me is that my first reaction to that question was "marriage". But there's 2 different sides to that...
1) It could potentially very bad and very dangerous. Am I feeling this way simply because marriage can provide some stability, and put a "box" around me/give me a place to attach that rope?? And how does this play into the affirmation I no longer recieve from my father? What all am I seeking after from this??
2) This could be a potentially wonderful thing. In the past I've shied away from marriage simply because I didn't want to answer to anyone else. Yeeeaaa, I know, how terrible does that sound! I've just always been extremely independent and I've never really NEEDED a man in my life to make me happy or to feel confident, etc (thus why I've been single more than in a relationship...plus the whole moving around a lot thing, but that's another conversation, lol). On top of that, I've always been very close to my dad so he's always been the one I've answered to, bounced ideas off of, given me the confidence I needed, etc....why WOULD I want to answer to another person/have to consider someone else in my decisions? But now that has changed. I no longer have this attachment to my dad, and I feel more open to having a man in my life who I will consider in my decisions, lean on, and "answer to". I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing....I think this might be a very good thing actually.
But how do I know when I'm ready to be in a relationship again? How do I know when I'm seeking this because I'm finally ready to committ to that person, and not because I'm trying to fill the void my father left?
The only thing I know for sure at this point is that whatever happens will be happening veeeeeery sloooooooow!
Please feel free to share your thoughts....and any cute, young friends you may have ;)
My dad has always been my "base camp", and my security and stability. I've had no qualms with going out and exploring the world, making mistakes, and not having other men in my life (aka. constant boyfriend, etc.) because I always had my father. Now that he is gone, so is my "constant"...and my stability.
Likewise, I currently feel like an astronaut floating around in space. It's like I was once attached to a space station, but that rope was cut. I have every opportunity I could want in front of me right now. The options are endless. Which is exciting...and very scary. Without my rope attached to something/someone I'm simply floating around. I recently described this to my therapist and she then asked, "well, what would you like to attach your rope to?" We always worded this as if the ceiling above me (my dad) has been ripped away, and now I need a new "box" to put around me...or I need to tie my rope up to something else. So what new box do I want around me, or where do I want to attach my rope?
What scared me is that my first reaction to that question was "marriage". But there's 2 different sides to that...
1) It could potentially very bad and very dangerous. Am I feeling this way simply because marriage can provide some stability, and put a "box" around me/give me a place to attach that rope?? And how does this play into the affirmation I no longer recieve from my father? What all am I seeking after from this??
2) This could be a potentially wonderful thing. In the past I've shied away from marriage simply because I didn't want to answer to anyone else. Yeeeaaa, I know, how terrible does that sound! I've just always been extremely independent and I've never really NEEDED a man in my life to make me happy or to feel confident, etc (thus why I've been single more than in a relationship...plus the whole moving around a lot thing, but that's another conversation, lol). On top of that, I've always been very close to my dad so he's always been the one I've answered to, bounced ideas off of, given me the confidence I needed, etc....why WOULD I want to answer to another person/have to consider someone else in my decisions? But now that has changed. I no longer have this attachment to my dad, and I feel more open to having a man in my life who I will consider in my decisions, lean on, and "answer to". I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing....I think this might be a very good thing actually.
But how do I know when I'm ready to be in a relationship again? How do I know when I'm seeking this because I'm finally ready to committ to that person, and not because I'm trying to fill the void my father left?
The only thing I know for sure at this point is that whatever happens will be happening veeeeeery sloooooooow!
Please feel free to share your thoughts....and any cute, young friends you may have ;)
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Frost Yourself.
A Prayer in Spring, Robert Frost
Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers to-day;
And give us not to think so far away
As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
All simply in the springing of the year.
Oh, give us pleasure in the orchard white,
Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;
And make us happy in the happy bees,
The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.
And make us happy in the darting bird
That suddenly above the bees is heard,
The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,
And off a blossom in mid air stands still.
For this is love and nothing else is love,
The which it is reserved for God above
To sanctify to what far ends He will,
But which it only needs that we fulfill
I swear, I just NEEDED to hear this.
I went on another drive tonight after grief share and I think I learned some more about this whole “doubting God” thing. I’ve never felt lonelier in my life than I do now. It’s been SO lonely that I can’t even feel God right now…and I haven’t in months. I know He’s probably there, and later down the road I’ll think back on this and see His hands all over my life, and His presence will be obvious. But I’m not there yet. I feel utterly alone…even with tons of people around me. So how could I NOT doubt if He’s there and real!? Geez, if I question all my close girlfriends, some of whom are HERE, right in front of me; and Debbie and I talk CONSTANTLY, so if I still have issues with them and feeling alone despite their obvious presence, how could I not question a God who is invisible, and not tangible?
This poem helps me though. It reminds me that today there ARE good things, and this loneliness is simply a part of this season of grief (thank God for the spring time!). My emotions may tell me otherwise, especially at night, but the fact of the matter is that I’m blessed. AND that I’m not called to live for tomorrow, I’m called to live for today…to focus on today’s tasks, and to relish the present blessings. Yes, focusing on today is sometimes the absolute hardest thing to do, but once these trials and pains pass, I will more fully appreciate the next season of life…and I’ll be fully existing in THOSE moments. – I hate that we, as humans, are always striving. We’re always looking across the fence at the greener grass (I’m hearing country tunes in my head right now…). It’s a shame. It cheapens life. Even when life is miserable, or in my case, looking very bright but I can still see the dark tunnel behind me, EVEN THEN we should rejoice in life itself. Wow, that sounds SO pep squad-ish (3 months ago I would’ve hit me). But it’s true.
As our grief share leader told us several months ago – Grief is simply the result of loving deeply. Mmmmm, let that one soak in. It’s very Garth Brooks’ “The Dance”…life isn’t worth living if there’s not unguarded, incandescent joy…but along with it comes the immense, paralyzing anguish of life’s pains when something stifles that happiness. But, it’s still worth the dance.
So, I suppose for today…
Lesson #8 (lol, wow, there’s been sooooo many more than that) – Grief-loneliness is the temporary result of sharing your heart…it is a loneliness that WILL fade as more immaculate joy returns.
~Jacquie
Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers to-day;
And give us not to think so far away
As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
All simply in the springing of the year.
Oh, give us pleasure in the orchard white,
Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;
And make us happy in the happy bees,
The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.
And make us happy in the darting bird
That suddenly above the bees is heard,
The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,
And off a blossom in mid air stands still.
For this is love and nothing else is love,
The which it is reserved for God above
To sanctify to what far ends He will,
But which it only needs that we fulfill
I swear, I just NEEDED to hear this.
I went on another drive tonight after grief share and I think I learned some more about this whole “doubting God” thing. I’ve never felt lonelier in my life than I do now. It’s been SO lonely that I can’t even feel God right now…and I haven’t in months. I know He’s probably there, and later down the road I’ll think back on this and see His hands all over my life, and His presence will be obvious. But I’m not there yet. I feel utterly alone…even with tons of people around me. So how could I NOT doubt if He’s there and real!? Geez, if I question all my close girlfriends, some of whom are HERE, right in front of me; and Debbie and I talk CONSTANTLY, so if I still have issues with them and feeling alone despite their obvious presence, how could I not question a God who is invisible, and not tangible?
This poem helps me though. It reminds me that today there ARE good things, and this loneliness is simply a part of this season of grief (thank God for the spring time!). My emotions may tell me otherwise, especially at night, but the fact of the matter is that I’m blessed. AND that I’m not called to live for tomorrow, I’m called to live for today…to focus on today’s tasks, and to relish the present blessings. Yes, focusing on today is sometimes the absolute hardest thing to do, but once these trials and pains pass, I will more fully appreciate the next season of life…and I’ll be fully existing in THOSE moments. – I hate that we, as humans, are always striving. We’re always looking across the fence at the greener grass (I’m hearing country tunes in my head right now…). It’s a shame. It cheapens life. Even when life is miserable, or in my case, looking very bright but I can still see the dark tunnel behind me, EVEN THEN we should rejoice in life itself. Wow, that sounds SO pep squad-ish (3 months ago I would’ve hit me). But it’s true.
As our grief share leader told us several months ago – Grief is simply the result of loving deeply. Mmmmm, let that one soak in. It’s very Garth Brooks’ “The Dance”…life isn’t worth living if there’s not unguarded, incandescent joy…but along with it comes the immense, paralyzing anguish of life’s pains when something stifles that happiness. But, it’s still worth the dance.
So, I suppose for today…
Lesson #8 (lol, wow, there’s been sooooo many more than that) – Grief-loneliness is the temporary result of sharing your heart…it is a loneliness that WILL fade as more immaculate joy returns.
~Jacquie
Clarifying More Than What I Thought....
WOW! I’m on a roll with this thing! Like 3 days in a row!
So, the last few days have been interesting, intersting in a way I never really expected.
Since I was a child I’ve always believed in God. I never really understood church, or what I was learning in Sunday School (I remember feeling so stupid compared to other teenage Christians later on). Anyways, I just don’t think most of it really sank in for some reason. But I still always connected with God…I’ve just always been a pretty spiritual person I suppose.
But over the past week or so I’ve found myself very seriously questioning God. Not just what He’s doing/done, or asking “why”, but questioning His existence. It’s almost shocking to me in a way. I’ve gone through periods where I’ve been skeptical, but it took very little time before I poo-poo’d the idea due to the spiritual experiences I’ve had throughout my life. But this time is different. It’s not shaking off as easily.
And what’s weirder is that I’m not terrified. And even weirder, I don’t fall apart when I think about there not being a heaven (aka. Is Daddy just gone?)…of all the times in my life to want to believe in an afterlife, now would be it…right?
I think this is due to…
1.) I haven’t been to church since I left San Diego (5 ½ months ago), other than 1 short service, and 1 Sunday School lesson I taught.
2.) I’ll bet I haven’t REGULARLY read the Bible in close to 2 years (since before my dad got sick) – sure I’ve read it (after all I HAVE been at a seminary since then, lol), gotten plenty out of it, etc., but it hasn’t been a routine part of life or anything.
3.) I’ve been exercising the logical side of my brain more and naturally the “what ifs” and need for evidence are going to supersede everything else, at least for the time being.
And 4.) *this is the big one* Grief changes things. Period. My Dad was always an imperfect, living Jesus for me…he loved me unconditionally, protected me, disciplined me, comforted me, guided me, showed me what true Grace is about, and was a confidant. God is, of course, all these things and more. So what happens when you lose the earthly version of that??
The ripple effect caused by death is profound. Since my dad died, there have been many days I’ve felt as if I’m walking around in the depressing part of “It’s a Wonderful Life” (less so now, but in the 1st couple of months this was frequent). Especially the confusing, bleak scene where James Stewart is wondering up and down the street with a terrified look on his face, and he doesn’t recognize anything around him, can’t find his family, everyone’s lives are falling apart, etc. I hear so many wonderful stories about my dad…and stories about how sad people are that he’s gone, that their worlds have forever changed in a drastic way. A single death can affect hundreds, even thousands (and judging by the 600ish at the memorial service I’d say my Dad touched a few people!). Think about it, if we consider the ‘ole 6 degrees of separation, then how many people ARE affected by a single person, rather directly or indirectly?? It’s a lot.
As my father’s youngest, I saw my Dad as my hero…he could do plenty wrong, but no matter what, he was the most important man in my life. He played all those roles I mentioned above (protector, etc.), and with him gone, I’ve had to learn to survive on my own. I’ve had to “shut up and be tough” as we say in my family…I am my protector, I have to make my own decisions without that much-needed sounding board, and I have to receive the affirmation my father gave me from other places (or learn to do without). It’s hardened me to some degree. And now I’m having a hard time separating those lost attributes of my father, with those that the Lord continually provides.
In a way, my idea of God has died with my father. This doesn’t necessarily mean He is gone (no more than if I decided that the shared characteristics of my father and mother meant that she was gone), but it does mean that I have to rebuild my picture of God, and mostly, learn how to be the tough, strong, woman I am and have had to become, and STILL be able to rely on God.
I don’t know the answer to this. I don’t know how long it will take me before I come to some conclusion about all this…it may take awhile. I do know that my faith is being tested in a big way, so we’ll see how it goes.
But from my logical brain to yours, something that constantly comes to mind regarding the existence of God – it is no more, or less, logical to believe in a higher being who created all the patterns in nature and everything else in the universe, than it is to believe that everything is simply happenchance and in totally chaos. Take that for what it is…either way, living with God in your life, or not, is going to come with many ups and downs, pros and cons.
In my very first post I discussed the concept of clarity. The whole purpose of this blog (if anyone can truly say that there’s a purpose for a blog outside of venting and verbalizing internalizations) is to bring better understanding to the process of grief, to make it less ambiguous (and thus easier for us all to know how to interact with and love a grieving person…and maybe even to know what to expect- answer being, have no expectations!).
I see this whole process as a time to not only understand what grieving is like and how it occurs, but it’s a time for deeper understanding of myself, my foundational beliefs, and finding out “what I’m made of”. In other words, it’s about clarifying who I am (in general, and without a father).
It’s gonna be a long process. (Does it ever really end though is the question??)
So, the last few days have been interesting, intersting in a way I never really expected.
Since I was a child I’ve always believed in God. I never really understood church, or what I was learning in Sunday School (I remember feeling so stupid compared to other teenage Christians later on). Anyways, I just don’t think most of it really sank in for some reason. But I still always connected with God…I’ve just always been a pretty spiritual person I suppose.
But over the past week or so I’ve found myself very seriously questioning God. Not just what He’s doing/done, or asking “why”, but questioning His existence. It’s almost shocking to me in a way. I’ve gone through periods where I’ve been skeptical, but it took very little time before I poo-poo’d the idea due to the spiritual experiences I’ve had throughout my life. But this time is different. It’s not shaking off as easily.
And what’s weirder is that I’m not terrified. And even weirder, I don’t fall apart when I think about there not being a heaven (aka. Is Daddy just gone?)…of all the times in my life to want to believe in an afterlife, now would be it…right?
I think this is due to…
1.) I haven’t been to church since I left San Diego (5 ½ months ago), other than 1 short service, and 1 Sunday School lesson I taught.
2.) I’ll bet I haven’t REGULARLY read the Bible in close to 2 years (since before my dad got sick) – sure I’ve read it (after all I HAVE been at a seminary since then, lol), gotten plenty out of it, etc., but it hasn’t been a routine part of life or anything.
3.) I’ve been exercising the logical side of my brain more and naturally the “what ifs” and need for evidence are going to supersede everything else, at least for the time being.
And 4.) *this is the big one* Grief changes things. Period. My Dad was always an imperfect, living Jesus for me…he loved me unconditionally, protected me, disciplined me, comforted me, guided me, showed me what true Grace is about, and was a confidant. God is, of course, all these things and more. So what happens when you lose the earthly version of that??
The ripple effect caused by death is profound. Since my dad died, there have been many days I’ve felt as if I’m walking around in the depressing part of “It’s a Wonderful Life” (less so now, but in the 1st couple of months this was frequent). Especially the confusing, bleak scene where James Stewart is wondering up and down the street with a terrified look on his face, and he doesn’t recognize anything around him, can’t find his family, everyone’s lives are falling apart, etc. I hear so many wonderful stories about my dad…and stories about how sad people are that he’s gone, that their worlds have forever changed in a drastic way. A single death can affect hundreds, even thousands (and judging by the 600ish at the memorial service I’d say my Dad touched a few people!). Think about it, if we consider the ‘ole 6 degrees of separation, then how many people ARE affected by a single person, rather directly or indirectly?? It’s a lot.
As my father’s youngest, I saw my Dad as my hero…he could do plenty wrong, but no matter what, he was the most important man in my life. He played all those roles I mentioned above (protector, etc.), and with him gone, I’ve had to learn to survive on my own. I’ve had to “shut up and be tough” as we say in my family…I am my protector, I have to make my own decisions without that much-needed sounding board, and I have to receive the affirmation my father gave me from other places (or learn to do without). It’s hardened me to some degree. And now I’m having a hard time separating those lost attributes of my father, with those that the Lord continually provides.
In a way, my idea of God has died with my father. This doesn’t necessarily mean He is gone (no more than if I decided that the shared characteristics of my father and mother meant that she was gone), but it does mean that I have to rebuild my picture of God, and mostly, learn how to be the tough, strong, woman I am and have had to become, and STILL be able to rely on God.
I don’t know the answer to this. I don’t know how long it will take me before I come to some conclusion about all this…it may take awhile. I do know that my faith is being tested in a big way, so we’ll see how it goes.
But from my logical brain to yours, something that constantly comes to mind regarding the existence of God – it is no more, or less, logical to believe in a higher being who created all the patterns in nature and everything else in the universe, than it is to believe that everything is simply happenchance and in totally chaos. Take that for what it is…either way, living with God in your life, or not, is going to come with many ups and downs, pros and cons.
In my very first post I discussed the concept of clarity. The whole purpose of this blog (if anyone can truly say that there’s a purpose for a blog outside of venting and verbalizing internalizations) is to bring better understanding to the process of grief, to make it less ambiguous (and thus easier for us all to know how to interact with and love a grieving person…and maybe even to know what to expect- answer being, have no expectations!).
I see this whole process as a time to not only understand what grieving is like and how it occurs, but it’s a time for deeper understanding of myself, my foundational beliefs, and finding out “what I’m made of”. In other words, it’s about clarifying who I am (in general, and without a father).
It’s gonna be a long process. (Does it ever really end though is the question??)
Sunday, November 15, 2009
A Few Who Aren't Having a Good Day...
OH! I almost forgot:
Please keep my cousin, Blythe, and her 2 boys in your prayers as her husband was killed in a diving accident off the Florida coast on Friday.
As well, please pray for the Jones family in Johnson City whom I grew up going to church with. Jim Jones passed away this morning after fighting lung cancer...he has 3 daughters, 1 son, and a precious wife. I have identified on many levels with his girls and my heart aches for them.
Thank you!
Jac
Please keep my cousin, Blythe, and her 2 boys in your prayers as her husband was killed in a diving accident off the Florida coast on Friday.
As well, please pray for the Jones family in Johnson City whom I grew up going to church with. Jim Jones passed away this morning after fighting lung cancer...he has 3 daughters, 1 son, and a precious wife. I have identified on many levels with his girls and my heart aches for them.
Thank you!
Jac
Oh For the Love of Good Days!
:)
Yes, it's been a good day (well, after spending 2 hours at the vet with my dog this morning...but nothing was wrong with him, so I guess that's a good day!).
One of the things we discussed in a Griefshare meeting awhile back was the importance of telling those around you when you have good days. We have a tendency to focus on the bad ones...we can become consumed by them, and blinded to the blessings we experience everyday, no matter how horrible life may be.
*NEWSFLASH* I'm watching "Holiday Inn" with Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire (and decorating my house for Christmas and drinking wine!), and as I was typing the above, Fred Astaire started singing, "I've Got Plenty to be Thankful For." Nice.
Anyways, reverting back to the Lessons being learned and to share with ya'll, today's lesson....
Lesson #7 (?): Be thankful for the good days, and share them with those who have stood by you through the bad ones.
I love you all!!
~Jac
Yes, it's been a good day (well, after spending 2 hours at the vet with my dog this morning...but nothing was wrong with him, so I guess that's a good day!).
One of the things we discussed in a Griefshare meeting awhile back was the importance of telling those around you when you have good days. We have a tendency to focus on the bad ones...we can become consumed by them, and blinded to the blessings we experience everyday, no matter how horrible life may be.
*NEWSFLASH* I'm watching "Holiday Inn" with Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire (and decorating my house for Christmas and drinking wine!), and as I was typing the above, Fred Astaire started singing, "I've Got Plenty to be Thankful For." Nice.
Anyways, reverting back to the Lessons being learned and to share with ya'll, today's lesson....
Lesson #7 (?): Be thankful for the good days, and share them with those who have stood by you through the bad ones.
I love you all!!
~Jac
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Please read previous post first!
OK technical difficulties! But I think I figured it out!
__________
Things have been so weird lately. Things are getting better - I’m more social, I want to do a lot of stuff, etc. But it’s like I’ll be fine one second and then the next it feels like I have no hope and I hate life right now, and feel depressed about where I am in life. I know this is just a storm I have to walk through….but when does it end?? When do I wake up one day and go, “wow, I haven’t felt like shit in a really long time! And my life is really GOOD, no, GREAT!” I’m ready for that.
I long for life to be like it was in Maryland or the summer Debs and I lived in Corpus…lots of good friends, good food, good drinks, and get togethers ALL the time. Life seemed normal then, and happy.
Now….it feels like I might feel that way again one day, but then I get home (by myself, in my dad’s old room) and suddenly I start to doubt it. And I just HATE that I’m going to be here another 6-8 months! I wish I could rent out the house (like NOW so it’s paid for) and go rent a fun little apartment in Austin and meet fun people and just hang out all the time!
I miss the city. That makes being here really hard too. I just love the buzz of city life…how things are always changing and you never know who you’re going to meet, or what you’ll be doing next weekend (but you know it’ll be fun)…the options are endless. There’s never boredom. Or small town minded people. Or people who know your dead father. Or being surrounded by nothing but moms and dads and babies…people you love but feel like you have nothing in common with anymore. I love Diana and Emily for instance, but I get tired of hearing all about their kids eating habits, and what cute things they said today….or how great their husbands are (or aren’t). I WANT to hear about their lives and share in that with them, I love them like sisters…but I don’t relate to that I guess. I probably shouldn’t feel that way, but I do…I’m just not in the same spot as them. I feel like that episode of Sex & the City when Carrie goes to the baby shower and her friend basically tells her she’s not doing anything important with her life because she’s not married with kids. And Carrie corrects her, and the whole show is about how it’s OK to not live that traditional life…how you can be HAPPY without kids and a mortgage and a husband. That it’s ok to be fun and single and FREE. I feel like I have no friends here that get that. They love me and care about me…and they ask how I’m doing when I see them (which isn’t often enough), but…I don’t know…not only am I the single one, but I’m also the one without a father…the one who’s grieving and nobody else really knows what to say or do. They're such wonderful friends...but no matter how great a friend someone is, this is still a lonely process...
Debbie gets it…but she’s also living the single life in DC. And I love hearing her stories about the things she and her friends are going out and doing, she cracks me up with them actually. But it’s also hard. I want that too…I want the fun single friends and Christian friends who aren’t afraid to get tipsy, and flirt with random cute men, and go out every night of the week if I feel like it! I’m ready to be a part of that too.
I just need POSITIVE, EXCITING things in my life. Yes, I know I need to take it slow still and have plenty of time to reflect and process, etc, but I need stuff to get my endorphins going too!
I may have already written about this, but I have this really attractive GRE tutor right now… handsome, patient, smart, funny, into fun stuff/hobbies, and talented (professional opera singer!), and he comes to mind way too often, lol. And while it’s certainly due to all the above, I think it’s also because he feels like the first exciting thing in my life in a long time…the first time I felt a little giddy after a session with him it was like someone had injected coke up my arm! I just haven’t felt like that in forever and I CRAVE it. I need more Tim’s in my life. It’s SO ridiculous because there’s absolutely nothing there and he’s made every effort to keep things purely professional between us, LOL, it’s kind of funny actually and I’m starting to get a kick out of juuuust seeing what he’ll say or if he’ll respond to certain statements or questions (and he doesn’t…he has the will power of a brick wall, haha). ANYWAYS, I get super ridiculous, juvenile enjoyment out of something so insignificant. And that makes me realize how much I’m yearning for more in my life right now. I don't think it's really about him as it is what he represents...normalcy...excitement...fun...something intriguing....all that.
And I know I should be thinking about the exciting things God is going to do in the coming months, and how blessed I am today despite everything, and blah blah blah…but I need something NOW. My life has been absolute shit for nearly 2 years and I just can’t take it much longer! That's not to say that there haven't been MANY blessings and wonderful times and relationships over the past 2 years...God has certainly provided wonderful things and people...but, it's been so overshadowed by Daddy's illness and death...life has been scary as hell, and exhausting. I just want to feel…ALIVE. And free. I’ve felt chained for 2 years…to what exactly, I don’t know…but it’s sucked.
I’m glad I’m getting to a place where I know good things are around the corner, that life IS moving forward from here. But…sometimes I feel like I’m swimming upstream trying to remember that because there’s still so much BLAH in life right now.
Also, I just finished putting up my Christmas tree right before deciding I needed to type this. I turned on the lights, and then sat down and just felt yucky. Part of me gets super excited about Christmas (as usual), but part of me also just wants to crawl under the covers and sleep for the next 2 months until it’s over. And I just wish I had someone here in the house with me that understood this. God love my roommate, but he just isn’t a good fit for me right now. I need a girl (or guy I suppose) who can become a close friend that I look forward to sitting on the couch drinking wine with when she gets home and just BSing…and someone who I can cry with…and go grocery shopping with…and laugh about completely stupid stuff with! She can even be a slob! But I need something like that….being here with Travis (who, bless his heart, just doesn’t get it (and I can't expect him to be my best friend or a therapist) and who I’m not comfortable talking to) and/or being alone, just isn’t working.
I miss my dad.
Three years ago when it was just us in the house for Christmas (because of his prostate cancer treatments going through the holidays so he couldn’t travel) I burned into my memory how it felt to be here with him. I remember that it was extremely hard to celebrate with only us, we’re both used to a dozen + people and constant noise, but it was ok…cuz we were together in it. We made our own little Christmas, and it was special because of that.
It sounds like there’s a chance this Christmas is going to be very low key on my mom’s side and everybody is going to be everywhere…so it may just be my mom, Fred, Derek, and I…even Taylor may not be here. I just don’t know what to think of that. Not only am I adjusting to not having my dad here, but now all our normal traditions may not be happening. It just feels so…I feel so displaced.
I just want him back.
I just want my life back.
I know I’ll get it back, God will put me where I need to be as I enter a new season of life, but how long do I have to wait?! When will I be ready for it!?
I’m already making plans for after the holidays to take a couple of dance classes, take violin lessons, take a Spanish class, and a musicianship class, maybe a photography class, hopefully get back into hiking and other outdoor activities, etc. – things that I find therapeutic! I’ve also joined a couple of meetup groups to meet new, single, fun friends in the Austin area, and started my own. I’ve bought tickets to just about every performing arts event possible. And I want to start volunteering my P-E certification for the clients at the pregnancy center. That’s enough to fill my schedule even without school or a job! (though I hope to get one of those!). But…it’s going to take patience to get there – there’s still a month and a half left before NYE. And I don’t know how much more of it I have left…it’s been a long damn time.
I want VEGAS again. I want to drink way too much with somebody I trust to get me back to my hotel room when needed (aka Debbie). To go dancing for HOURS with guys I’ll never have to see again, and to just escape from all this. But why is it that I want all that when I REALLY want to be emotionally healthy again (and Vegas style sure isn’t going to get me there!). Ugh…maybe it’s good I don’t have friends who like to go out…
I don’t know…I guess I’ve rambled enough. I’m just SO ready for change.
Lord help me wait through this…help me to walk through this with my integrity intact.
__________
Things have been so weird lately. Things are getting better - I’m more social, I want to do a lot of stuff, etc. But it’s like I’ll be fine one second and then the next it feels like I have no hope and I hate life right now, and feel depressed about where I am in life. I know this is just a storm I have to walk through….but when does it end?? When do I wake up one day and go, “wow, I haven’t felt like shit in a really long time! And my life is really GOOD, no, GREAT!” I’m ready for that.
I long for life to be like it was in Maryland or the summer Debs and I lived in Corpus…lots of good friends, good food, good drinks, and get togethers ALL the time. Life seemed normal then, and happy.
Now….it feels like I might feel that way again one day, but then I get home (by myself, in my dad’s old room) and suddenly I start to doubt it. And I just HATE that I’m going to be here another 6-8 months! I wish I could rent out the house (like NOW so it’s paid for) and go rent a fun little apartment in Austin and meet fun people and just hang out all the time!
I miss the city. That makes being here really hard too. I just love the buzz of city life…how things are always changing and you never know who you’re going to meet, or what you’ll be doing next weekend (but you know it’ll be fun)…the options are endless. There’s never boredom. Or small town minded people. Or people who know your dead father. Or being surrounded by nothing but moms and dads and babies…people you love but feel like you have nothing in common with anymore. I love Diana and Emily for instance, but I get tired of hearing all about their kids eating habits, and what cute things they said today….or how great their husbands are (or aren’t). I WANT to hear about their lives and share in that with them, I love them like sisters…but I don’t relate to that I guess. I probably shouldn’t feel that way, but I do…I’m just not in the same spot as them. I feel like that episode of Sex & the City when Carrie goes to the baby shower and her friend basically tells her she’s not doing anything important with her life because she’s not married with kids. And Carrie corrects her, and the whole show is about how it’s OK to not live that traditional life…how you can be HAPPY without kids and a mortgage and a husband. That it’s ok to be fun and single and FREE. I feel like I have no friends here that get that. They love me and care about me…and they ask how I’m doing when I see them (which isn’t often enough), but…I don’t know…not only am I the single one, but I’m also the one without a father…the one who’s grieving and nobody else really knows what to say or do. They're such wonderful friends...but no matter how great a friend someone is, this is still a lonely process...
Debbie gets it…but she’s also living the single life in DC. And I love hearing her stories about the things she and her friends are going out and doing, she cracks me up with them actually. But it’s also hard. I want that too…I want the fun single friends and Christian friends who aren’t afraid to get tipsy, and flirt with random cute men, and go out every night of the week if I feel like it! I’m ready to be a part of that too.
I just need POSITIVE, EXCITING things in my life. Yes, I know I need to take it slow still and have plenty of time to reflect and process, etc, but I need stuff to get my endorphins going too!
I may have already written about this, but I have this really attractive GRE tutor right now… handsome, patient, smart, funny, into fun stuff/hobbies, and talented (professional opera singer!), and he comes to mind way too often, lol. And while it’s certainly due to all the above, I think it’s also because he feels like the first exciting thing in my life in a long time…the first time I felt a little giddy after a session with him it was like someone had injected coke up my arm! I just haven’t felt like that in forever and I CRAVE it. I need more Tim’s in my life. It’s SO ridiculous because there’s absolutely nothing there and he’s made every effort to keep things purely professional between us, LOL, it’s kind of funny actually and I’m starting to get a kick out of juuuust seeing what he’ll say or if he’ll respond to certain statements or questions (and he doesn’t…he has the will power of a brick wall, haha). ANYWAYS, I get super ridiculous, juvenile enjoyment out of something so insignificant. And that makes me realize how much I’m yearning for more in my life right now. I don't think it's really about him as it is what he represents...normalcy...excitement...fun...something intriguing....all that.
And I know I should be thinking about the exciting things God is going to do in the coming months, and how blessed I am today despite everything, and blah blah blah…but I need something NOW. My life has been absolute shit for nearly 2 years and I just can’t take it much longer! That's not to say that there haven't been MANY blessings and wonderful times and relationships over the past 2 years...God has certainly provided wonderful things and people...but, it's been so overshadowed by Daddy's illness and death...life has been scary as hell, and exhausting. I just want to feel…ALIVE. And free. I’ve felt chained for 2 years…to what exactly, I don’t know…but it’s sucked.
I’m glad I’m getting to a place where I know good things are around the corner, that life IS moving forward from here. But…sometimes I feel like I’m swimming upstream trying to remember that because there’s still so much BLAH in life right now.
Also, I just finished putting up my Christmas tree right before deciding I needed to type this. I turned on the lights, and then sat down and just felt yucky. Part of me gets super excited about Christmas (as usual), but part of me also just wants to crawl under the covers and sleep for the next 2 months until it’s over. And I just wish I had someone here in the house with me that understood this. God love my roommate, but he just isn’t a good fit for me right now. I need a girl (or guy I suppose) who can become a close friend that I look forward to sitting on the couch drinking wine with when she gets home and just BSing…and someone who I can cry with…and go grocery shopping with…and laugh about completely stupid stuff with! She can even be a slob! But I need something like that….being here with Travis (who, bless his heart, just doesn’t get it (and I can't expect him to be my best friend or a therapist) and who I’m not comfortable talking to) and/or being alone, just isn’t working.
I miss my dad.
Three years ago when it was just us in the house for Christmas (because of his prostate cancer treatments going through the holidays so he couldn’t travel) I burned into my memory how it felt to be here with him. I remember that it was extremely hard to celebrate with only us, we’re both used to a dozen + people and constant noise, but it was ok…cuz we were together in it. We made our own little Christmas, and it was special because of that.
It sounds like there’s a chance this Christmas is going to be very low key on my mom’s side and everybody is going to be everywhere…so it may just be my mom, Fred, Derek, and I…even Taylor may not be here. I just don’t know what to think of that. Not only am I adjusting to not having my dad here, but now all our normal traditions may not be happening. It just feels so…I feel so displaced.
I just want him back.
I just want my life back.
I know I’ll get it back, God will put me where I need to be as I enter a new season of life, but how long do I have to wait?! When will I be ready for it!?
I’m already making plans for after the holidays to take a couple of dance classes, take violin lessons, take a Spanish class, and a musicianship class, maybe a photography class, hopefully get back into hiking and other outdoor activities, etc. – things that I find therapeutic! I’ve also joined a couple of meetup groups to meet new, single, fun friends in the Austin area, and started my own. I’ve bought tickets to just about every performing arts event possible. And I want to start volunteering my P-E certification for the clients at the pregnancy center. That’s enough to fill my schedule even without school or a job! (though I hope to get one of those!). But…it’s going to take patience to get there – there’s still a month and a half left before NYE. And I don’t know how much more of it I have left…it’s been a long damn time.
I want VEGAS again. I want to drink way too much with somebody I trust to get me back to my hotel room when needed (aka Debbie). To go dancing for HOURS with guys I’ll never have to see again, and to just escape from all this. But why is it that I want all that when I REALLY want to be emotionally healthy again (and Vegas style sure isn’t going to get me there!). Ugh…maybe it’s good I don’t have friends who like to go out…
I don’t know…I guess I’ve rambled enough. I’m just SO ready for change.
Lord help me wait through this…help me to walk through this with my integrity intact.
Journaling isn't for wusses...
So it's been awhile since I wrote anything on here...life has been busy, busy...and when it hasn't been busy, well, it's still somehow been busy? Plus I forgot about this blog, haha...thank you Summer for reminding me about this! (someone DOES read it!)
I have no clever words, food for thought, or advice to pass along to my dear therapy friends. But I do have some Raw-Jacquie...and most of you know what that looks like! (don't run). I just spent awhile journaling (something I haven't done near enough lately), and I feel compelled to share my heart with you.
Life has been very different over the past month than it was the month prior. Matter of fact, every week I feel significantly different, for better or worse. The past few weeks have been BETTER, much better...my social side is coming back out, I have energy again, I've been working out again (time to get this sick-Daddy weight OOOOOOFFFF), I've been exercising my brain, I'm sleeping more normally, and I just feel more peaceful.
But I've also had to adjust to this new-found normalcy because the bad days still linger...well, they're more like bad "hours" now, but either way it feels like running face first into a brick wall. I started running from these bad times and times of "dealing" because I feared that the new joy in my life would go away and I'd go back to where I've been. But fortunately, I've worked past that...and here we are.
The journal entry below isn't spectacular. It isn't muy importante. But it is real. It is what goes through my head every single day in this stage of grief/life. So I hope it teaches you something...or just shows you how badly I need prayer! LOL
(and to anyone mentioned in it, please know that this is all ME, not you or anything wrong on your part! I considered taking some of this out, but that would defeat the purpose of being REAL. So to Diana, Emily, Debbie, and God-forbid my tutor Tim should he end up reading this somehow, LOL...that'd actually be really funny, but I don't think he's much of an internet/blog/facebook addict so it should be fine - ANYWAYS, to all of you (Uh, Em, and Debs) I love you, and I thank you for being such beautiful sisters).
Oh, and to my sister-sister, I heart you and love you and thank you for coming with me to 5 gazillion shows and being the best date EVER :)
__________
I have no clever words, food for thought, or advice to pass along to my dear therapy friends. But I do have some Raw-Jacquie...and most of you know what that looks like! (don't run). I just spent awhile journaling (something I haven't done near enough lately), and I feel compelled to share my heart with you.
Life has been very different over the past month than it was the month prior. Matter of fact, every week I feel significantly different, for better or worse. The past few weeks have been BETTER, much better...my social side is coming back out, I have energy again, I've been working out again (time to get this sick-Daddy weight OOOOOOFFFF), I've been exercising my brain, I'm sleeping more normally, and I just feel more peaceful.
But I've also had to adjust to this new-found normalcy because the bad days still linger...well, they're more like bad "hours" now, but either way it feels like running face first into a brick wall. I started running from these bad times and times of "dealing" because I feared that the new joy in my life would go away and I'd go back to where I've been. But fortunately, I've worked past that...and here we are.
The journal entry below isn't spectacular. It isn't muy importante. But it is real. It is what goes through my head every single day in this stage of grief/life. So I hope it teaches you something...or just shows you how badly I need prayer! LOL
(and to anyone mentioned in it, please know that this is all ME, not you or anything wrong on your part! I considered taking some of this out, but that would defeat the purpose of being REAL. So to Diana, Emily, Debbie, and God-forbid my tutor Tim should he end up reading this somehow, LOL...that'd actually be really funny, but I don't think he's much of an internet/blog/facebook addict so it should be fine - ANYWAYS, to all of you (Uh, Em, and Debs) I love you, and I thank you for being such beautiful sisters).
Oh, and to my sister-sister, I heart you and love you and thank you for coming with me to 5 gazillion shows and being the best date EVER :)
__________
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Learning something new each day
I wrote the following to a friend earlier today...it pretty well sums up where I am right now:
My last couple days have been much much better...as I pray about HOW to deal with everything, the Lord certainly guides me....though it's still not all fun & games, He opens my eyes to see what today's task is & things seem FAR less overwhelming...things are becoming doable again...even desirable. I feel like it's a whole other side of Christ to experience. He doesn't just GIVE us happiness & joy, but when He needs to, He leds us through the pains in front of us, one step at a time, to that happiness & joy. I've always assumed it was a one way or the other type deal, ya know? Like either you have the joy of the Lord, or you don't; and God hands it back to you when you don't. But I don't think that's it. I think He leds us back to it...He walks hand-in-hand with us, each step bringing us closer to our joy....He doesn't just snap His fingers and make us happy again, but He's our no-charge therapist who guides us back there! Each day brings a new task to complete, and each individual day may not seem to be making a difference, but when you see them all strung together, suddenly you see how far back up river Jesus has paddled you. I have a new task or two that my eyes have been opened to...and now they aren't scary like they were a week ago...I might even be looking forward to them.
--------------
The last couple of nights I have made a HUGE dent in my continued and never-ending tasks around the house. That may not seem like a big deal, but considering that I took a 2 week hiadus(sp?) from it b/c I couldn't get motivated, IS a big deal. And I feel sooooooo much better...though there's still HOURS more work to be done.
I promised myself that each time I blogged I would write a scary memory, & a joyful memory of my time with my dad - this is something that I know will help me immensely to move forward & exchange my bad memories, with all the good ones.
So, the yucky one:
After a few days in the hospital & the possibility of my dad having had a heartattack (before we confirmed it), one of the nurses pulled me outside to talk to me. Any time they did this, my heart momentarily stopped. She basically gave me a run down on all the problems facing my dad's body...and there were many of them. She more-or-less told me he didn't have long...days, a couple weeks maybe. I was standing there by myself with this ICU nurse in front of me, and I was completely flabbergasted. This was the 1st of several times when we had this conversation.
I remember feeling helpless...hopeless. But then I couldn't resign to those feelings. I had spent the past year and a half pushing those feelings away and I WOULD do it again...my Daddy WOULD keep fighting, I would keep standing for him. But I walked back into his room & I think he just knew. He furrowed his brow, looked at me, and said. "what is it?" Though I couldn't understand him very well because of his BiPAP mask, so he wrote it out (which was probably harder to understand, lol).
I was at a loss for words. I stumbled over the words and my heart just sank. How the hell do you tell your own father that he's going to die?? How do you tell him when you can't even tell yourself?? And SHOULD I tell him & risk him giving up too soon, or do I respect him & give him all the information I know...something we agreed to do for each other. How do I tell my own Daddy the hardest thing he'll ever have to hear??...and how do I do it without falling apart?
He started asking, "Is it my heart? Is it my kidneys? Is it my blood? What is it?" The look I gave him probably said it all. And right then our nurse walked in. He pointed to his piece of paper with his question, and she answered. She honestly told him what was happening & the prognosis. Daddy nodded, and didn't say anything. I don't remember details after that...it was just too damn hard.
I was standing there the moment my father knew he was going to die.
--------------
But there were many conversations before that one that I will forever treasure.
About a month before Daddy went into the hospital, shortly after I moved home, I ran into his room where he was sitting on his bed watching TV. I needed to talk because my stress levels were to the point of toxicity. I explained to him a situation I was facing with one of my professors who was insisting I take a final exam on schedule despite having signed an agreement to let me complete my assignments as I was able over a 3 month period. This exam fell about 10 days after I moved home & was going to be during the time that Daddy, Tacie, and I were in Houston visiting the MD Anderson cancer center....exams were the LAST thing I needed to worry about.
I was upset, angry even, that I felt such pressure, and for what?? For a deadline?? So that this professor could feel like I was "moving forward" with life, and "succeeding" despite my circumstances?? Because, as he explained it to me on several occasions, the world doesn't stop turning when our parents fall ill?? (he clearly didn't understand that I was a 25-year-old Daddy's girl, and my world WAS stopping)
When I explained all this to my dad he just shook his head. He said, "Honey, you're going to run into academia types throughout your life. In their eyes, the world revolves around dealines, papers, books, and exams. Too often they loose sight of what LIFE really is. You're experiencing real life stuff right now, I wish you didn't have to, but you are. But you have your priorities in line, honey. It's YOUR choice & your life, not his." He went on to tell me he supported me & it was ok with him if I dropped the class. His eyes were so sad as he apologized for "putting" me in this position...but he apologized even more that this professor was pressuring me when he shouldn't.
That memory has stayed with me. My dad SEEMED to be a man of rules at times in my life, but really...that was the complete opposite of him. My Daddy gave me the permission I didn't realize I needed to simply live LIFE...not stick my head in a book in order to make a grade which doesn't ACTUALLY mean jack-squat in the big scheme of things. He taught me one last time in that moment that being a good person is what makes you successful, not achiveing titles or making money....and he loved me unconditionally, no matter what choices I made. As well, we talked about the fact that I'm learning more in my therapy program from my own life, than I am from the books I read...I'm LIVING it, I'm facing, head-on, what many of my future clients will be facing. THAT is education...not a written exam.
That memory is especially important to me now as my life has been turned upside down. I have very big decisions to make in the coming months, decisions which will affect my life for the next few years, and longer. I'm considering taking a break from school until April?, June? for a year? As well, I'm considering moving out to Virginia and transferring programs...something Daddy would've had my hide for! But he would've done so b/c of the time/money involved...and I know, KNOW, in my heart that if he and I had discussed this in the past year, he would've said it's ok...perhaps even encouraged it for various reasons.
I needed that conversation soooooo badly with him, and it's a memory that brings me continued comfort, and healing, nearly everyday.
God gave me an amazing father...I honestly don't think I could've asked for a better Daddy. He wasn't perfect & drove me bonkers sometimes, but that man loved me through EVERYTHING. He supported me through EVERYTHING. He wasn't just my father, but he was truly an angel in my life.
~Jac
My last couple days have been much much better...as I pray about HOW to deal with everything, the Lord certainly guides me....though it's still not all fun & games, He opens my eyes to see what today's task is & things seem FAR less overwhelming...things are becoming doable again...even desirable. I feel like it's a whole other side of Christ to experience. He doesn't just GIVE us happiness & joy, but when He needs to, He leds us through the pains in front of us, one step at a time, to that happiness & joy. I've always assumed it was a one way or the other type deal, ya know? Like either you have the joy of the Lord, or you don't; and God hands it back to you when you don't. But I don't think that's it. I think He leds us back to it...He walks hand-in-hand with us, each step bringing us closer to our joy....He doesn't just snap His fingers and make us happy again, but He's our no-charge therapist who guides us back there! Each day brings a new task to complete, and each individual day may not seem to be making a difference, but when you see them all strung together, suddenly you see how far back up river Jesus has paddled you. I have a new task or two that my eyes have been opened to...and now they aren't scary like they were a week ago...I might even be looking forward to them.
--------------
The last couple of nights I have made a HUGE dent in my continued and never-ending tasks around the house. That may not seem like a big deal, but considering that I took a 2 week hiadus(sp?) from it b/c I couldn't get motivated, IS a big deal. And I feel sooooooo much better...though there's still HOURS more work to be done.
I promised myself that each time I blogged I would write a scary memory, & a joyful memory of my time with my dad - this is something that I know will help me immensely to move forward & exchange my bad memories, with all the good ones.
So, the yucky one:
After a few days in the hospital & the possibility of my dad having had a heartattack (before we confirmed it), one of the nurses pulled me outside to talk to me. Any time they did this, my heart momentarily stopped. She basically gave me a run down on all the problems facing my dad's body...and there were many of them. She more-or-less told me he didn't have long...days, a couple weeks maybe. I was standing there by myself with this ICU nurse in front of me, and I was completely flabbergasted. This was the 1st of several times when we had this conversation.
I remember feeling helpless...hopeless. But then I couldn't resign to those feelings. I had spent the past year and a half pushing those feelings away and I WOULD do it again...my Daddy WOULD keep fighting, I would keep standing for him. But I walked back into his room & I think he just knew. He furrowed his brow, looked at me, and said. "what is it?" Though I couldn't understand him very well because of his BiPAP mask, so he wrote it out (which was probably harder to understand, lol).
I was at a loss for words. I stumbled over the words and my heart just sank. How the hell do you tell your own father that he's going to die?? How do you tell him when you can't even tell yourself?? And SHOULD I tell him & risk him giving up too soon, or do I respect him & give him all the information I know...something we agreed to do for each other. How do I tell my own Daddy the hardest thing he'll ever have to hear??...and how do I do it without falling apart?
He started asking, "Is it my heart? Is it my kidneys? Is it my blood? What is it?" The look I gave him probably said it all. And right then our nurse walked in. He pointed to his piece of paper with his question, and she answered. She honestly told him what was happening & the prognosis. Daddy nodded, and didn't say anything. I don't remember details after that...it was just too damn hard.
I was standing there the moment my father knew he was going to die.
--------------
But there were many conversations before that one that I will forever treasure.
About a month before Daddy went into the hospital, shortly after I moved home, I ran into his room where he was sitting on his bed watching TV. I needed to talk because my stress levels were to the point of toxicity. I explained to him a situation I was facing with one of my professors who was insisting I take a final exam on schedule despite having signed an agreement to let me complete my assignments as I was able over a 3 month period. This exam fell about 10 days after I moved home & was going to be during the time that Daddy, Tacie, and I were in Houston visiting the MD Anderson cancer center....exams were the LAST thing I needed to worry about.
I was upset, angry even, that I felt such pressure, and for what?? For a deadline?? So that this professor could feel like I was "moving forward" with life, and "succeeding" despite my circumstances?? Because, as he explained it to me on several occasions, the world doesn't stop turning when our parents fall ill?? (he clearly didn't understand that I was a 25-year-old Daddy's girl, and my world WAS stopping)
When I explained all this to my dad he just shook his head. He said, "Honey, you're going to run into academia types throughout your life. In their eyes, the world revolves around dealines, papers, books, and exams. Too often they loose sight of what LIFE really is. You're experiencing real life stuff right now, I wish you didn't have to, but you are. But you have your priorities in line, honey. It's YOUR choice & your life, not his." He went on to tell me he supported me & it was ok with him if I dropped the class. His eyes were so sad as he apologized for "putting" me in this position...but he apologized even more that this professor was pressuring me when he shouldn't.
That memory has stayed with me. My dad SEEMED to be a man of rules at times in my life, but really...that was the complete opposite of him. My Daddy gave me the permission I didn't realize I needed to simply live LIFE...not stick my head in a book in order to make a grade which doesn't ACTUALLY mean jack-squat in the big scheme of things. He taught me one last time in that moment that being a good person is what makes you successful, not achiveing titles or making money....and he loved me unconditionally, no matter what choices I made. As well, we talked about the fact that I'm learning more in my therapy program from my own life, than I am from the books I read...I'm LIVING it, I'm facing, head-on, what many of my future clients will be facing. THAT is education...not a written exam.
That memory is especially important to me now as my life has been turned upside down. I have very big decisions to make in the coming months, decisions which will affect my life for the next few years, and longer. I'm considering taking a break from school until April?, June? for a year? As well, I'm considering moving out to Virginia and transferring programs...something Daddy would've had my hide for! But he would've done so b/c of the time/money involved...and I know, KNOW, in my heart that if he and I had discussed this in the past year, he would've said it's ok...perhaps even encouraged it for various reasons.
I needed that conversation soooooo badly with him, and it's a memory that brings me continued comfort, and healing, nearly everyday.
God gave me an amazing father...I honestly don't think I could've asked for a better Daddy. He wasn't perfect & drove me bonkers sometimes, but that man loved me through EVERYTHING. He supported me through EVERYTHING. He wasn't just my father, but he was truly an angel in my life.
~Jac
Friday, October 2, 2009
Laughing Babies Make the World Go 'Round
OK, this has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but I thought ya'll would appreciate this, if you haven't already seen it - this is becoming an all-time favorite video of mine...turns ANY frown upside-down!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yE6PNps5N9I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yE6PNps5N9I
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Memory Lane isn't for the Faint at Heart
Yesterday was another bad day. They've been more frequent recently, as have nightmares and insomnia.
I know this will pass. I know that one day I'll wake up and not have to MAKE myself smile. I'll wake up and think about my sweet Daddy and just feel happy with all the wonderful memories I have of him....instead of 2 seconds of happiness followed by bouts of crying.
Last night I had my Griefshare meeting (http://www.griefshare.org/) ...I'm starting to dread and look forward to these. As I mentioned before, one of the hardest things about grief is that it's lonely...it's SO personal that there's not a soul on this earth that can take away the grief. One of the many incredible women I know at Harbor Church - Uptown in San Diego told me last year while my dad was sick that even though she had been married to the love of life for many years, when her Daddy died, her sweet husband just couldn't really comfort her....not to the extent that you would think anyways. At the time I was going through my phase of "I need a man, and I need him NOW...I need someone to protect me and hold me and make me happy even if only for a short time." Her words made it abundantly clear that no man, no person, could take away the loneliness this loss brings.
But Griefshare is different. While I still leave the group with a heay weight on my shoulders, for the time I'm there, I'm not carrying the weight alone. They have boulders strapped to them as well, and they GET it. Being surrounded by others who deeply understand the confusion and intensity of this time somehow makes it easier to bare. They are my little angels. That's what we are for each other. The Lord makes it clear to us all that we are not supposed to "do" life alone. And sometimes, in these yucky seasons of life, He has specific people who He wants us to walk with.
But it's not just my griefshare friends - it's the people who knew and loved my father. I feel like I'm in a strange place with many of my dad's friends and extended-family. It's hard to explain it. We're there for each other...we'll always be. But...I can't help but wonder if it's sometimes just harder to be around each other? I NEED them, I NEED to frequently spend time with people who understand how amazing my dad was & who understand, without any words, what the past year and a half has been like...and what that means for today. But I know that our time together is now changed...and sometimes hard.
I just finished reading through the blog of one of my dad's surrogate daughters. Sandra was one of the girls that my dad could always depend on...and he ALWAYS loved her like one of his own. She's been a big sister to me in many ways...her and Rene have ALWAYS given me hell, gotten me in trouble, kept me outta trouble, given me needed insight, held my hand, cried with me, laughed AT me, and I know they'll always be available to talk. Reading Sandra's blog entries from July, while my dad was in the hospital, his last 24 hours, and the trip we had to take to TN to bury him, was....hard for me.
So much of that time I remember, but it's much like a bad dream...but on one of those nights where you wake up all the time mid-dream and then can't remember what's real and what isn't. So reading her words, her memories, is difficult...it brings it back...and clarifies that my dad isn't just on a long vacation.
He did fall down at 6am in our house (possibly due to a heart attack) and spill coffee everywhere...a stain I can't bare to look at, but I can't bare to get down on my knees and scrub away either. Less than 12 hours later I DID take him to the ER and he was admitted into the ICU. And during the 7 days that followed my father went from needing some fluids & booster shots, to having a terrible case of pneumia, a heart attack, kidney failure, and next-to-no platelets or white blood cells (which meant the pneumia could not be fought off). That DID happen. I DID have to tell them to give the morphine...I DID have my last conversations with him, and I did spend his last night on earth with him in a hospital room. I KNOW these things, some of them I remember far too videly (and I wish I didn't), but....I think they're just now becoming real to me.
I think I need to get these memories out. Forgive me for sharing such sad memories...but I feel like I need to. They're stuck somewhere in my head, but I've been numb to them. They need to come out.
As do allllllll the AMAZING memories with my dad. I'll share those too...gladly.
For instance, I remember last year after my dad started chemo/radiation, I was on edge. I was scared and nervous about what was coming up, and I asked my dad every 5 minutes if he was ok or needed anything. He, in Judge Warner fashion, would just roll his eyes with a little smirk on his face & then bluntly say, "NO. Go do something." One of these days I left him alone for a little while & when I came back in his room he wasn't on his bed where I had left him! I felt an instant of panic, and then I looked over and he was sitting cross-legged on the bathroom floor cleaning out the cabinet!!!!!!!!! OK, if you know my dad AT ALL, you know the man didn't clean out his cabinets. I just stopped & looked at him and said, "Daddy!...what, what are you doing?!" He looked at me like I'd lost my mind and said, "What the hell does it look like I'm doing? I'm fixin' things up a bit." I suggested he shouldn't be doing that and he told me to go mind my own business. :)
I miss my smart-ass of a Daddy. He made some of the best facial expressions of anyone I know...and once you knew him well enough, you knew exactly what each expression meant & could already hear the words that would soon come out of his mouth. I loved that even while Daddy felt horrible, he still had that mischievous look on his face...there were many days he didn't, but many days he did. At the very least, he'd always give me his nose wiggle - that meant I love you &/or it's ok/git 'er dun.
Perhaps the lesson I'm learning today is simply that I have to feel my memories...I couldn't really do that before, now I need to.
So, Lesson #6: Memories must be made real. They aren't just dreams.
~Jac
I know this will pass. I know that one day I'll wake up and not have to MAKE myself smile. I'll wake up and think about my sweet Daddy and just feel happy with all the wonderful memories I have of him....instead of 2 seconds of happiness followed by bouts of crying.
Last night I had my Griefshare meeting (http://www.griefshare.org/) ...I'm starting to dread and look forward to these. As I mentioned before, one of the hardest things about grief is that it's lonely...it's SO personal that there's not a soul on this earth that can take away the grief. One of the many incredible women I know at Harbor Church - Uptown in San Diego told me last year while my dad was sick that even though she had been married to the love of life for many years, when her Daddy died, her sweet husband just couldn't really comfort her....not to the extent that you would think anyways. At the time I was going through my phase of "I need a man, and I need him NOW...I need someone to protect me and hold me and make me happy even if only for a short time." Her words made it abundantly clear that no man, no person, could take away the loneliness this loss brings.
But Griefshare is different. While I still leave the group with a heay weight on my shoulders, for the time I'm there, I'm not carrying the weight alone. They have boulders strapped to them as well, and they GET it. Being surrounded by others who deeply understand the confusion and intensity of this time somehow makes it easier to bare. They are my little angels. That's what we are for each other. The Lord makes it clear to us all that we are not supposed to "do" life alone. And sometimes, in these yucky seasons of life, He has specific people who He wants us to walk with.
But it's not just my griefshare friends - it's the people who knew and loved my father. I feel like I'm in a strange place with many of my dad's friends and extended-family. It's hard to explain it. We're there for each other...we'll always be. But...I can't help but wonder if it's sometimes just harder to be around each other? I NEED them, I NEED to frequently spend time with people who understand how amazing my dad was & who understand, without any words, what the past year and a half has been like...and what that means for today. But I know that our time together is now changed...and sometimes hard.
I just finished reading through the blog of one of my dad's surrogate daughters. Sandra was one of the girls that my dad could always depend on...and he ALWAYS loved her like one of his own. She's been a big sister to me in many ways...her and Rene have ALWAYS given me hell, gotten me in trouble, kept me outta trouble, given me needed insight, held my hand, cried with me, laughed AT me, and I know they'll always be available to talk. Reading Sandra's blog entries from July, while my dad was in the hospital, his last 24 hours, and the trip we had to take to TN to bury him, was....hard for me.
So much of that time I remember, but it's much like a bad dream...but on one of those nights where you wake up all the time mid-dream and then can't remember what's real and what isn't. So reading her words, her memories, is difficult...it brings it back...and clarifies that my dad isn't just on a long vacation.
He did fall down at 6am in our house (possibly due to a heart attack) and spill coffee everywhere...a stain I can't bare to look at, but I can't bare to get down on my knees and scrub away either. Less than 12 hours later I DID take him to the ER and he was admitted into the ICU. And during the 7 days that followed my father went from needing some fluids & booster shots, to having a terrible case of pneumia, a heart attack, kidney failure, and next-to-no platelets or white blood cells (which meant the pneumia could not be fought off). That DID happen. I DID have to tell them to give the morphine...I DID have my last conversations with him, and I did spend his last night on earth with him in a hospital room. I KNOW these things, some of them I remember far too videly (and I wish I didn't), but....I think they're just now becoming real to me.
I think I need to get these memories out. Forgive me for sharing such sad memories...but I feel like I need to. They're stuck somewhere in my head, but I've been numb to them. They need to come out.
As do allllllll the AMAZING memories with my dad. I'll share those too...gladly.
For instance, I remember last year after my dad started chemo/radiation, I was on edge. I was scared and nervous about what was coming up, and I asked my dad every 5 minutes if he was ok or needed anything. He, in Judge Warner fashion, would just roll his eyes with a little smirk on his face & then bluntly say, "NO. Go do something." One of these days I left him alone for a little while & when I came back in his room he wasn't on his bed where I had left him! I felt an instant of panic, and then I looked over and he was sitting cross-legged on the bathroom floor cleaning out the cabinet!!!!!!!!! OK, if you know my dad AT ALL, you know the man didn't clean out his cabinets. I just stopped & looked at him and said, "Daddy!...what, what are you doing?!" He looked at me like I'd lost my mind and said, "What the hell does it look like I'm doing? I'm fixin' things up a bit." I suggested he shouldn't be doing that and he told me to go mind my own business. :)
I miss my smart-ass of a Daddy. He made some of the best facial expressions of anyone I know...and once you knew him well enough, you knew exactly what each expression meant & could already hear the words that would soon come out of his mouth. I loved that even while Daddy felt horrible, he still had that mischievous look on his face...there were many days he didn't, but many days he did. At the very least, he'd always give me his nose wiggle - that meant I love you &/or it's ok/git 'er dun.
Perhaps the lesson I'm learning today is simply that I have to feel my memories...I couldn't really do that before, now I need to.
So, Lesson #6: Memories must be made real. They aren't just dreams.
~Jac
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Following Florida....
Over the past week I've had a million different thoughts and emotions so it's been far too intimidating to sit down and try to type it out...sort of defeats the purpose huh?
Something for all to know about this yucky thing we call the grief process - it's confusing as hell, takes a long time, & it's a terrible idea to have any expectations.
My vacation last week was....interesting. It was relaxing, peaceful, and fun...but it was also depressing & frustrating. I had sort of counted on this vacation to get away from my present life stressors, like anyone would, but grief doesn't just stay at home or in a little box we put it in (at least not for forever).
I had one of my "bad days" while in Florida. These days, a "bad day" doesn't consist of PMS type moodiness, and a stubbed toe. It feels more like the world is coming to an end, my life is in pieces, and I can't physically get out of the bed. Usually I deal with these yucky days by being a house hermit, crying as needed, watching trash TV, and eating a lot of sugar. Not really the healthiest way to deal, but it allows me the freedom to not be happy, and to not be strong....to not have to FIGHT anymore...something I've been doing for nearly 2 years. Then, a day or two later, I suck it up & get back to life as "normal". But this isn't how a bad day works when you're on vacation.
Vacations aren't supposed to have bad days!!! Vacays are supposed to get you physically and emotionally away from everyday life, & give you a false sense of happiness through a delightful 3-7 days away. So when those nasty bad days follow you on a vacation it sorta feels like you're being robbed by your best friend. All those bright expectations get drowned in the clear blue water you stare blankly at from your hotel terrace while numbly eating your room service meal.
To all my therapist friends, remember this. Remember to tell your grieving clients that bad days come even when you REALLY don't want them...no matter how hard you try to keep them away...so stop fighting it. Along those same lines, let your clients know that they are ALLOWED to grieve, be sad, pissed off, cry at everything, and want to hit something. And they aren't just allowed to do this on your terms, or their family & friends terms, but on THEIR terms.
Over the past few months I've had a number of people make it very clear to me that I was not allowed to grieve around them, or if I was, it was only for a select amount of time & then I needed to buck up & smile pretty. They treat grief like the H1N1 virus - god forbid they should be touched or affected by such a nasty awful thing! And I say, screw them. I don't care if you don't like the depressing look on my face, just like you apparently don't care enough about me to get past your own discomfort with death and pain.
Soooooooo many people just don't see it. They just don't get it. And this does nothing but place more stress and pressure on those who are really hurting. If you know someone who is experiencing a loss (whether that be from death, divorce, abandonment, a relationship gone sour, whatever), don't put expectations on them!! Yes, we must all keep marching on. Yes, we must get up and eat something everyday so as to not starve to death. And yes, we must continue with our daily responsibilities. But the expectations stop there. And for some, on some bad days, you can't even expect that. And it's OK. It's OK to be defined as "sad" for a majority of the 6 months to a year (or however long) of your life after losing someone....and it's ok if I don't smile big and get all bubbly when I see you...or if I say "no thanks" to going out.
So, Lesson #4: No expectations. Zilch. It's not your issue to control.
In addition to dealing with the pressures of expectations from myself, and from others, I've experienced a lot of "wandering" recently.
It's amazing how ONE person can become your rock. And life without that rock is shaken...scary. Since my dad died (which is a term that still hasn't totally sunk in) I've felt really lost. REALLY lost. It feels like the time when I was like 4 years old at daycare & these mean kids took my "woobie" (blanky) and started passing it back & forth so I couldn't get it and then they threw it up into the ceiling fan. That was a baaaaaad day. Yuck , I STILL remember that 22 years later!! That woobie was everything to me when I was little...and then these bullies snatched it from my little hands and I couldn't hold it anymore (note as well that my parents divorced when I was 4...I REALLY needed that silly woobie).
Losing my dad also feels a lot like losing my faith. I haven't lost my faith, but if I did, it'd feel a lot like this. My sounding board, my protector, my constant, my foundation since birth has been ripped away. It leaves me feeling vulnerable, uncertain, and alone. Very. Very. Alone. ...I can only imagine what this is like for those who have lost a spouse. It's tramatic, scary, and lonely.
All this leaves me feeling very lost. Couple that with the fact that I haven't read the Bible in months (that's a whole other issue) & it's a recipe for disaster. Have you seen that movie Into the Wild?? Sometimes I feel like that kid....though I don't know where I'd run away to in order to "find myself". Actually, I do...Italy. I'd quickly change movies and be living the life of Diane Lane in Under the Tuscan Sun. mmmmmm, that sounds nice. But even she, after a sudden divorce, feels sad & alone while surrounded by a beautiful Italian Villa, vineyard, wine, handsome Italian men, and funny neighbors. She eventually finds herself & her place in her new life, but it takes awhile...and it's not quite the picture she had imagined...and she still had to learn to maintain a 5 gazillion year old house.
I don't care if my life isn't what I thought it'd be...but I'd like to have SOME direction....some...constant.
As a Christian, this constant should be the Lord. And He is. But there's still a HUGE difference between the Lord - our creator & Beloved whom we trust in, yet can't see or physical feel, and the constant provided by the loved ones in our lives. It's just not the same. Both are equally important to us while on this planet...the Lord did not create us to be alone afterall. And when a relationship that you've trusted in, needed, and leaned on for your entire life suddenly ends...it feels nothing but lonely....like walking on a tightrope without the big net below you.
I know I'll push through this. I know that the Lord WILL provide the things, and people, and STRENGTH I need to make it through this trial and loss.
And I might have to start praying that He provides it through a romantic italian villa, a good bottle of wine, a sexy man, and a best friend I can see the world with (well, He already gave me that one). :)
So, Lesson #5: Grief = Loneliness (so call up those who have experienced a loss FREQUENTLY...it doesn't make the pain disappear, but the support means a lot)
~Jac
P.S. I have a great referral for a hotel in Ft. Lauderdale if you need one ;)
Something for all to know about this yucky thing we call the grief process - it's confusing as hell, takes a long time, & it's a terrible idea to have any expectations.
My vacation last week was....interesting. It was relaxing, peaceful, and fun...but it was also depressing & frustrating. I had sort of counted on this vacation to get away from my present life stressors, like anyone would, but grief doesn't just stay at home or in a little box we put it in (at least not for forever).
I had one of my "bad days" while in Florida. These days, a "bad day" doesn't consist of PMS type moodiness, and a stubbed toe. It feels more like the world is coming to an end, my life is in pieces, and I can't physically get out of the bed. Usually I deal with these yucky days by being a house hermit, crying as needed, watching trash TV, and eating a lot of sugar. Not really the healthiest way to deal, but it allows me the freedom to not be happy, and to not be strong....to not have to FIGHT anymore...something I've been doing for nearly 2 years. Then, a day or two later, I suck it up & get back to life as "normal". But this isn't how a bad day works when you're on vacation.
Vacations aren't supposed to have bad days!!! Vacays are supposed to get you physically and emotionally away from everyday life, & give you a false sense of happiness through a delightful 3-7 days away. So when those nasty bad days follow you on a vacation it sorta feels like you're being robbed by your best friend. All those bright expectations get drowned in the clear blue water you stare blankly at from your hotel terrace while numbly eating your room service meal.
To all my therapist friends, remember this. Remember to tell your grieving clients that bad days come even when you REALLY don't want them...no matter how hard you try to keep them away...so stop fighting it. Along those same lines, let your clients know that they are ALLOWED to grieve, be sad, pissed off, cry at everything, and want to hit something. And they aren't just allowed to do this on your terms, or their family & friends terms, but on THEIR terms.
Over the past few months I've had a number of people make it very clear to me that I was not allowed to grieve around them, or if I was, it was only for a select amount of time & then I needed to buck up & smile pretty. They treat grief like the H1N1 virus - god forbid they should be touched or affected by such a nasty awful thing! And I say, screw them. I don't care if you don't like the depressing look on my face, just like you apparently don't care enough about me to get past your own discomfort with death and pain.
Soooooooo many people just don't see it. They just don't get it. And this does nothing but place more stress and pressure on those who are really hurting. If you know someone who is experiencing a loss (whether that be from death, divorce, abandonment, a relationship gone sour, whatever), don't put expectations on them!! Yes, we must all keep marching on. Yes, we must get up and eat something everyday so as to not starve to death. And yes, we must continue with our daily responsibilities. But the expectations stop there. And for some, on some bad days, you can't even expect that. And it's OK. It's OK to be defined as "sad" for a majority of the 6 months to a year (or however long) of your life after losing someone....and it's ok if I don't smile big and get all bubbly when I see you...or if I say "no thanks" to going out.
So, Lesson #4: No expectations. Zilch. It's not your issue to control.
In addition to dealing with the pressures of expectations from myself, and from others, I've experienced a lot of "wandering" recently.
It's amazing how ONE person can become your rock. And life without that rock is shaken...scary. Since my dad died (which is a term that still hasn't totally sunk in) I've felt really lost. REALLY lost. It feels like the time when I was like 4 years old at daycare & these mean kids took my "woobie" (blanky) and started passing it back & forth so I couldn't get it and then they threw it up into the ceiling fan. That was a baaaaaad day. Yuck , I STILL remember that 22 years later!! That woobie was everything to me when I was little...and then these bullies snatched it from my little hands and I couldn't hold it anymore (note as well that my parents divorced when I was 4...I REALLY needed that silly woobie).
Losing my dad also feels a lot like losing my faith. I haven't lost my faith, but if I did, it'd feel a lot like this. My sounding board, my protector, my constant, my foundation since birth has been ripped away. It leaves me feeling vulnerable, uncertain, and alone. Very. Very. Alone. ...I can only imagine what this is like for those who have lost a spouse. It's tramatic, scary, and lonely.
All this leaves me feeling very lost. Couple that with the fact that I haven't read the Bible in months (that's a whole other issue) & it's a recipe for disaster. Have you seen that movie Into the Wild?? Sometimes I feel like that kid....though I don't know where I'd run away to in order to "find myself". Actually, I do...Italy. I'd quickly change movies and be living the life of Diane Lane in Under the Tuscan Sun. mmmmmm, that sounds nice. But even she, after a sudden divorce, feels sad & alone while surrounded by a beautiful Italian Villa, vineyard, wine, handsome Italian men, and funny neighbors. She eventually finds herself & her place in her new life, but it takes awhile...and it's not quite the picture she had imagined...and she still had to learn to maintain a 5 gazillion year old house.
I don't care if my life isn't what I thought it'd be...but I'd like to have SOME direction....some...constant.
As a Christian, this constant should be the Lord. And He is. But there's still a HUGE difference between the Lord - our creator & Beloved whom we trust in, yet can't see or physical feel, and the constant provided by the loved ones in our lives. It's just not the same. Both are equally important to us while on this planet...the Lord did not create us to be alone afterall. And when a relationship that you've trusted in, needed, and leaned on for your entire life suddenly ends...it feels nothing but lonely....like walking on a tightrope without the big net below you.
I know I'll push through this. I know that the Lord WILL provide the things, and people, and STRENGTH I need to make it through this trial and loss.
And I might have to start praying that He provides it through a romantic italian villa, a good bottle of wine, a sexy man, and a best friend I can see the world with (well, He already gave me that one). :)
So, Lesson #5: Grief = Loneliness (so call up those who have experienced a loss FREQUENTLY...it doesn't make the pain disappear, but the support means a lot)
~Jac
P.S. I have a great referral for a hotel in Ft. Lauderdale if you need one ;)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Allow me to Explain....
So I've been really opposed to this whole blogging thing - other than the fun, interesting blogs set-up by several family and friends which chronicle their various adventures, watching the kids grow up, providing tongue-and-cheek advise on practicial topics (much like these beloved authors - http://www.etiquettegrrls.com/pages/home.html), or showing/demonstrating a fascinating hobby & providing how-to advice to us lesser apt.
But I'm not here to do any of that. Matter of fact, I'm not totally sure why I feel compelled to share my thoughts with the world. This may wind up being the internet's worse-blog-ever (save those crazy "ana" bloggers who spread the process of how to slowly kill yourself & zap ALL joy out of your life one non-meal at a time...how you don't eat sugar, carbs, meat, well let's be honest, anything, I just don't know...).
So let's just say the purpose of this blog is to share. General enough? Walking through this murking path through grief & growing up/living is proving to be a rollercoaster. There are many days when I'm getting tossed & turned, thrown upside-down, and side-ways & can no longer find my barrings (I just love that this is ALWAYS when strangers flash pictures of us & then post them for all the rollercoaster riders on-board to gawk at). But juuuuust before, & not long after, I can actually see where the ground is, and get some mental clarity.
Clarity brings with it lessons. And I happen to think that life is about lessons.
Lesson #1: LIFE = LESSONS.
Half the time I don't catch on, or I'm repeating lesson 101 for the 15th time, but nonetheless, the experience is there.
So this blog is about that clarity. I can't promise it'll always make sense (ironically), or it'll always be worth your 5 minutes of reading time, but it'll definitely be honest, and demonstrate an area of life we often shy away from.
______
So, you may be wondering about the blog name. Allow me to explain.
A number of years ago I was at some Church-related-something-or-something & the question was posed, "What shines more light - a brand-new, fully-intact vase, or a vase that has broken into small pieces and been put back together?" Answer - The broken vase because the light is able to shine through allllllll the cracks and provide a broader, & more beautiful light for those around it.
I think that's a beautiful picture of how our trials & pains, the things that break us into a thousand little pieces, can be used to make us shine more brightly & more beautifully for everyone else in our lives. God, being the glue, can build us up again...piece-by-piece.
So Lesson #2: We're broken...which might make our material worth $0.00, but 1 man's trash, is many men's treasure, especially to our God.
______
I'm currently sitting on the balcony of my oceanfront hotel room in Florida. (check it out - http://www.beachcomberresort.com/ and tomorrow thru Monday - http://www.atlantichotelfl.com/).
Since I've been here (I arrived yesterday evening) I've spent hours on the balcony just watching the waves crash & the clouds go by....SUCH a cliche, but cliches are cliche for a reason, right? Life has been so chaotic, so...ungrounded(?), that all I can seem to do is stare as my mind jumps from 1 thought to the next, from 1 prayer to the next.
But this is grief. It's confusing. It swirls around you & sucks you in to the point that your brain almost turns off. But...given time, the swirling subsides, & the thoughts start to bring that much-anticipated clarity.
I'll let you know when that happens....
Lesson #3 for today: You don't need drugs to make things swirl around in your brain.
God Bless.
But I'm not here to do any of that. Matter of fact, I'm not totally sure why I feel compelled to share my thoughts with the world. This may wind up being the internet's worse-blog-ever (save those crazy "ana" bloggers who spread the process of how to slowly kill yourself & zap ALL joy out of your life one non-meal at a time...how you don't eat sugar, carbs, meat, well let's be honest, anything, I just don't know...).
So let's just say the purpose of this blog is to share. General enough? Walking through this murking path through grief & growing up/living is proving to be a rollercoaster. There are many days when I'm getting tossed & turned, thrown upside-down, and side-ways & can no longer find my barrings (I just love that this is ALWAYS when strangers flash pictures of us & then post them for all the rollercoaster riders on-board to gawk at). But juuuuust before, & not long after, I can actually see where the ground is, and get some mental clarity.
Clarity brings with it lessons. And I happen to think that life is about lessons.
Lesson #1: LIFE = LESSONS.
Half the time I don't catch on, or I'm repeating lesson 101 for the 15th time, but nonetheless, the experience is there.
So this blog is about that clarity. I can't promise it'll always make sense (ironically), or it'll always be worth your 5 minutes of reading time, but it'll definitely be honest, and demonstrate an area of life we often shy away from.
______
So, you may be wondering about the blog name. Allow me to explain.
A number of years ago I was at some Church-related-something-or-something & the question was posed, "What shines more light - a brand-new, fully-intact vase, or a vase that has broken into small pieces and been put back together?" Answer - The broken vase because the light is able to shine through allllllll the cracks and provide a broader, & more beautiful light for those around it.
I think that's a beautiful picture of how our trials & pains, the things that break us into a thousand little pieces, can be used to make us shine more brightly & more beautifully for everyone else in our lives. God, being the glue, can build us up again...piece-by-piece.
So Lesson #2: We're broken...which might make our material worth $0.00, but 1 man's trash, is many men's treasure, especially to our God.
______
I'm currently sitting on the balcony of my oceanfront hotel room in Florida. (check it out - http://www.beachcomberresort.com/ and tomorrow thru Monday - http://www.atlantichotelfl.com/).
Since I've been here (I arrived yesterday evening) I've spent hours on the balcony just watching the waves crash & the clouds go by....SUCH a cliche, but cliches are cliche for a reason, right? Life has been so chaotic, so...ungrounded(?), that all I can seem to do is stare as my mind jumps from 1 thought to the next, from 1 prayer to the next.
But this is grief. It's confusing. It swirls around you & sucks you in to the point that your brain almost turns off. But...given time, the swirling subsides, & the thoughts start to bring that much-anticipated clarity.
I'll let you know when that happens....
Lesson #3 for today: You don't need drugs to make things swirl around in your brain.
God Bless.
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